A Compelling Mission for Special Parents

Raising Children With Learning Difficulties

Rabbi Yaakov Perlow aîjyls,

A Love of Special Proportions

When we approach the topic of learning disabilities, we are speaking of children who are indeed capable of growth and can definitely be helped. But the process and task of educating these children is often accompanied by much pain and disappointment, so that it is the parents themselves who must first come to terms with their own inner selves-to learn how to cope inwardly with their plight, to accept it without feeling stigmatized and recognize their situation, however unwelcome, as one from which they can and should derive spiritual strength.

It is this last point-spiritual growth-which requires, above all, a Torah orientation, how to absorb anguish, how to get up after having been knocked down. Emotional strength and the strong supportive help of family and friends are, of course, indispensable elements. But Torah Jews who are ma'aminim have, or should have, something more at their command as an added resource. It is the realization that, in the face of difficulty, they have been given a special challenge by the Ribbono Shel Olam; that their tasks of chinuch and love and care are those of special proportions; that chessed is to take on new meaning in their lives.

It requires more than an ordinary intelligence to manage and oversee the educational development of a child who has special needs. As we are all aware, mistakes can be very costly; what one may consider necessary encouragement may be, in truth, unnecessary pressure, which can be as harmful as too little encouragement; and it requires sustained wisdom and unlimited patience, in addition to siyata d'Shmaya, to raise such a child-and raise him right.

A Spiritually Uplifting Calling

I believe it to be an unspoken truth that the parents of a child with greater-than-ordinary needs are simply expected to be better, more noble people than those of another child. Let me illustrate. Anger is, of course, an objectionable trait in any person and is injurious to chinuch. But with regard to the chinuch of children with learning disabilities, anger can be fatal.

Shalom, and herein I include shalom bayis, is the basic ingredient of all human relations. The absence of parental shalom bayis is usually an insidious, hidden cause in the personality problems discovered in people later in adult life. But in the home of the learning disabled child, the absence of a peaceful home atmosphere or the existence of excessive sibling friction is poison to the already fragile emotional state of such a child.

Thus, it is not at all an exaggeration to say that the home of such a child is, of necessity, one in which shalom and patience and the practice of middos tovos must be the norm of everyday conduct. And, if this becomes a joint effort of the parents and the brothers and sisters of this child, it will be discovered that rather than a pall of darkness descending over this familyóon the contrary-the entire family has become spiritually uplifted, and all the children's chinuch has been enriched by the exemplification of the middos of chessed and ahava and shalom and savlanus.

If the challenge of parenting and educating the learning disabled child is not met with sluggishness and despair, but with inspiration and bitachon, then the parents and family have carried out a unique shlichus, a special mission entrusted to them by Hakadosh Baruch Hu. Every Jewish child born into this world, if at all able to absorb Torah and Yiddishkeit-at whatever level-is entitled to that privilege; and his or her parents have been charged with performing that service. It is a holy charge, a sacred duty.

Setting For a Sacred Task

We read recently in the Torah of the construction of the Mishkan, the edifice for the Shechina, and of the keilim, the sacred vessels it was to contain within it. The prophet Yirmiyahu compares the Jewish nation as a whole to the Heichal (Sanctuary), and it follows, then, that each individual Jew is likened to a kli shareis, a holy vessel. The Mishkan had many such vessels-some large, some small; some made of gold and silver, others of copper and lead. But each of them had kedusha, a holiness that was inviolate.

It is a sign of real spiritual maturity that dedicated mechanchim and Torah institutions have awakened to the urgent need of some of the more challenged klei hamikdash. They merit a blessing for the bold steps they have already taken to include these children in the mainstream educational system, and above all, for their ongoing concern and quest to discover still more and better ways to help these children emotionally and physically. The holy work of helping even one of these children emerge from the abyss of spiritual darkness is beyond question a fulfillment of the dictum of Chazal that "the saving of one life is tantamount to saving an entire world."

The parents and teachers of these children can be special people, special great people. They can achieve heights of education and commitment that other people will never know. Their challenges can be banners of excellence, of middos tovos and mesiras nefesh that other people will never achieve.

And finally, "as the effort, so is the reward" (Avos). The strenuous efforts and tearful labor that special people invest in their child who has special challenges will certainly invoke the chasdei Hashem of much nachas and happiness in their entire families, in all their children.

Anger is, of course an objectionable trait in any person and is injurious to chinuch. But with regard to the chinuch of the children with learning disabilities, anger can be fatal.

If the challenge of parenting and educating the learning disabled child is not met with sluggishness and despair, but with inspiration and bitachon, then the parents and family have carried out a unique shlichus, a special mission entrusted to them by Hakadosh Baruch Hu.

The holy work of helping even one of these children emerge from the abyss of spiritual darkness is beyond question a fulfillment of the dictum of Chazal that "the saving of one life is tantamount to saving an entire world."

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