Integration:

Helping Baalei Teshuva Be Themselves

by Rabbi Ben Tzion Kokis

Rabbi Kokis is the Mashgiach Ruchani of Yeshivas Ohr Somayach of Monsey, and Rav of Congregation Zichron Mordechai. This article is based on a lecture delivered at a gathering of kiruv professionals. He has also written “Reaching Out, Reaching In, and Reaching,” (JO Dec. ’92) and “Seeds of Hope in Times of Chaos,” (JO April ’95).

Well-Intentioned Errors

The Gemora tells us a revealing event which took place in the early stages of Rebbe Akiva’s growth. “Rebbe Akiva said: ‘At the beginning of my study, I once chanced upon a “meis mitzva” (abandoned corpse) by the roadside. I strained for four parsaos (several miles) to bring the body to a cemetery. When I came to my teachers and told them, they said to me, “Akiva! Every step you took was like spilling innocent blood, because a meis mitzva should be buried in the place where the body lies.” At that time, I resolved never to leave my teachers’ side.” (Derech Eretz Zuta, ch. 8)

This reaction of Rebbe Akiva to his well-intentioned error is probably familiar to all of us, but especially to the baal teshuva. How often the halacha runs counter to what our intuition would have dictated, and how easy it is to make an assumption about the right way to do things, only to discover that the halacha says otherwise.

This is one of the most crucial, yet painful, stages in a baal teshuva’s development: the realization that in the world of Torah he cannot follow his own hunches in deciding what is right and what is wrong. The average baal/baalas teshuva grew up in a culture where there were no, or precious few, moral absolutes. Very often, society places pleasure and gratification as the only criteria for choices in life. Even when a sense of moral correctness is sought, the main standard of judgment is the dictates of his own conscience: are you being true to your own sense of justice and decency? Suddenly, having made a commitment to a life of Torah, things are no longer so simple. He may very likely find that compared to the past, he is having a much harder time making decisions, because he no longer can think only in terms of what he thinks is appropriate, but rather what is really right, through the eyes of the Torah.

Even questions which would seem to call for a purely subjective evaluation are not left up to the inclinations and preferences of the individual. Defining beauty, for instance, becomes a complex proposition when a lulav or esrog is concerned; the Torah’s requirement of “hadar – beautiful –” is not left up to one’s aesthetic instincts. On occasion, the opposite is true: the esrog which you may consider “pretty” may be barely kosher by the halacha’s standards, while the real “m’hudar” could be less than dazzling in everyday terms. The more one becomes conditioned to the world of halacha, it would seem, the less valid individual preferences become.

Staying in Touch With One’s Feelings

Succeeding in this transition is a milestone in one’s integration of Torah, and perhaps could even be viewed as the watershed event in the whole process of teshuva. This success, however, is often accompanied by the seeds of a serious problem, which, if not acknowledged and dealt with, can have a negative effect on one’s entire life. There are areas in life in which it is absolutely crucial that one be very much in touch with his own feelings, and those feelings must be taken seriously. Too often the ability to trust one’s own instincts is a casualty of the transition of teshuva, with the result that even in personal issues the healthy input of internal judgment is not part of the decision-making process.

An obvious area where this is true is shidduchim. In the years that I have been privileged to work with baalei teshuva, I have been involved quite often in helping a young man make a decision whether to continue meeting a particular young woman. What often surfaces is a tendency to think that one’s personal instincts are not part of the decision-making process, and in fact shouldn’t be part of it. Although this is never articulated, the sense comes through that once a person becomes religious, all that matters are good middos, proper hashkafos, and the like. The role of a personal connection, on a purely human level, is thought to be a concession to secular values, instead of a vital component of the Hashgacha elyona’s design to bring two neshamos together.

Considerable care is therefore required on the part of those who are involved in this area of chinuch, to avoid this side effect of the teshuva process. A clear distinction must be made between yielding one’s judgment in matters of halacha, and maintaining a secure sense of identity in personal decisions. Tremendous sensitivity must be used to ensure that the growth of a ben or bas Torah not come at the cost of a diminishing of a personality.

Other Areas of Significant Subjectivity

Conflicts similar to the shidduch situation described above may arise in other areas. Let us examine several more common examples of this phenomenon.

The question of spending significant time in yeshiva and kollel, or becoming involved in the world of parnassa (career), confronts most b’nei Torah to some degree. But the guidance given to a baal or baalas teshuva in this regard must take into account that this individual is a product of cultural and educational influences that, for better or for worse, played a great role in forming his personality and attitudes. Both external and internal factors influence a person to define accomplishment in secular terms. Externally, the values of one’s family and friends create certain expectations; even more importantly, an individual learns to gauge his own fulfillment, and accordingly to feel self-worth, in terms of career goals and material success.

When the Hashgacha provides a young adult with the opportunity to be exposed to Torah, there is a tendency to view the previous years as being irrelevant to the “new” person who is developing in the yeshiva. But in reality, while an individual sincerely admires and identifies with the emes (truth) and gadlus (grandeur) of the Torah, and the rebbeim and senior chaverim who have become his role models, this does not mean that he has become a totally new person in the span of a few months. One cannot just slip on a set of attitudes like a new suit of clothes. There are many underlying issues of self-esteem that must also be dealt with, specifically because he is a baal teshuva, before a total transformation has taken place. Therefore, there are bound to be a different set of considerations when advising a baal teshuva in this regard.

It must be borne in mind that the challenges that he will face will be very different from those facing other b’nei Torah, and less emotional support is available to him, as compared to “conventional” yeshiva or Bais Yaakov students. The latter grew up in a social and educational system that was structured to encourage and facilitate dedication to Torah and mitzvos, and sacrifices made for that cause are generally supported by family and friends. It is so painfully different for the baal and baalas teshuva!

The Personal Contours of Life’s Challenges

Several years ago a young man approached me a few days before his wedding. He was close to tears. He had been under tremendous pressure to take care of numerous arrangements for his chasuna, since his family was not able or willing to be involved. He was paying for a good part of his own wedding. In addition, the plans for his oyfruf were being complicated by his family’s insistence that they would just drive in on Shabbos, since they didn’t feel comfortable staying with strangers who had offered hospitality. But this was not what had caused his distress. A kollel member who had in fact been very helpful to the chassan as he progressed in his Torah learning, and whom this bachur held in the utmost esteem, had scolded him sharply for being so distracted from his learning in the days before his chasuna…. “Your kalla will lose her respect for you!” was the message that he had heard, from someone whose opinion meant an awful lot to him.

How unfair it was to criticize this sincere young man, who was doing his best to make his own chasuna, by applying standards that would only apply to a bachur whose parents are taking care of all the arrangements!

Of course, this doesn’t necessarily mean that baalei teshuva shouldn’t dedicate themselves to learning Torah in a serious way. But it does mean that decisions should be made carefully, with full awareness of the specific needs and capabilities of this individual. Many times, peer pressure or a tendency to conform to conventional norms, rather than measured guidance, seem to be prime factors in making major decisions, and nisyonos (tests and challenges) that could have been avoided are instead created. The obligation of “eitza tova” (appropriate counsel) would certainly dictate that a mentor should look to the long-range benefit and health of his or her talmidim.

It is crucial to note that this is the counsel that gedolim have taught. Take the following incident, for example, as related to this writer by the rosh yeshiva of one of the major yeshivos for baalei teshuva in Yerushalayim.

A talmid of the yeshiva had been studying in a prestigious European university, and had a few months to go before earning a Master’s degree, which would virtually guarantee him a teaching position of his choice. Having become enthusiastically involved in learning, however, he saw no point in completing his studies, since at this point he felt no desire to ever re-enter the academic world. The rebbeim of his yeshiva expressed misgivings at this course of action, and suggested that he invest the few months of study to finish his degree, and then continue learning, so that his options will be open in case the need will arise at some future date to seek a teaching position. (It is important to note that his field of study was not problematic from a halacha standpoint.)

The talmid said that he appreciated his rebbeim’s concern, but it was clear to him that he had no desire to be a college professor, so he had no reason to stop learning. His Rosh Yeshiva then suggested that they discuss the issue with Rabbi Shach, l”xz, and the bachur quickly agreed, confident that he would find total sympathy for his position, since Rabbi Shach’s stand on the primacy of learning over all else is well known. Much to the surprise of the talmid, however, the advice of Rabbi Shach was to finish his degree, and then devote himself totally to growth in Torah.

What is noteworthy is that this advice was based on a consideration of the unique issues that face baalei teshuva, and would not be applied across the board to the conventional yeshiva talmid.

Ready For Marriage?

A similar situation exists with connection to something which is taken for granted in the Torah world: that as a young man or woman enter adulthood, it is natural and desirable that they plan on marrying and raising a family. This is no longer a given in the general society, and in many cases, baalei teshuva were educated to look with disdain at this way of life. A mechanech or mentor cannot underestimate the influence of “yuppieism” and Women’s Lib on the attitudes of his students, and thoughtful attention must be paid to the underlying issues of sharing and responsibility that are so crucial in establishing a successful home. The stamina and understanding that are so necessary for building a strong relationship and raising children do not suddenly form out of thin air when a young man or woman becomes committed to Torah and mitzvos.

The question must always be asked: Is this individual emotionally ready for marriage? Or is he or she responding only on a mental, hashkafa (ideological) level to what seems to be the “expected” thing to do in the Torah community? Again, sensitivity to the personal dimension of chinuch is indispensable, and will do much to avoid later complications and anguish.

An exceptional young man had become religious, and was learning most of the day in an established yeshiva for baalei teshuva, while running a family business for part of the day. He started the shidduchim process, and for approximately a year was meeting young women, with no success. After a while, one of his rebbeim began to wonder: This young man seems to have everything going for him. He’s very intelligent, sensitive, has a good livelihood, a warm personality. Why isn’t he connecting with the young women whom he’s meeting? The rebbe had an insight, and asked the bachur, “Tell me something. If you hadn’t become religious a few years ago, would you also be dating now with intent to get married?”

The young man thought for a moment, and said, “No, I wouldn’t.”

“Why not?” the rebbe asked.

The young man told him that several years before, he had ended a serious relationship, and had been hurt very much by the break-up. He didn’t feel emotionally ready yet for this level of commitment. “That’s understandable,” the rebbe replied, “but if so, how can you be involved in shidduchim now?”

The answer was, that this is what you’re “supposed” to do when you’re frum! But it was not yet where the young man was in his personal development. Once this point was recognized, he dealt with the issue, and was engaged a few months later, and is building a beautiful home.

Raising the Kids… All By Yourself

When it comes to raising children, we dare not lose sight of the reality that many, if not most, baalei teshuva grew up in a world that is very different from the Torah community into which they are integrating. The idea that parents welcome the responsibility for raising children, devote their time and energy to this task, and view it as the noblest achievement of their lives, is very far from the norm in secular society. Add to this the beracha of large families that has become commonplace in our community, bli ayin hara, and you have a situation that is, on the one hand, tremendously appealing to many baalei teshuva, but which also is totally different from their own experiences and models.

In truth, the warmth and stability of the religious home is probably the most important factor in attracting baalei teshuva, and the sense that our communities are ready and willing to become their “family.” But once they cross the threshold of their own home, and it becomes their responsibility to create that warmth and security, they’re on their own, to a great degree.

A very sincere and intelligent parent, who together with his wife is coping with the challenges of teenage kids, expressed almost wistfully, “We kind of thought that you become frum, and Hashem raises your kids….” In other words, their own upbringing wasn’t necessarily complete as a model to follow, and the people all around seem to be having decent success in raising large families, so it must “just happen” when you’re following the Torah! As we know all so well, it doesn’t “just happen.” Tremendous work, sensitivity, and tefilla are necessary. But this awareness isn’t always a given for a young man or woman who is sincerely dedicated and committed to Torah, but may not be fully aware of the emotional and attitudinal skills that will be so vital in the years ahead. Perhaps the greatest gift that the community can provide is to serve as caring mentors and models for this crucial task.

We have attempted to describe a few areas in which the integration of the baal/baalas teshuva into the world of Torah requires special sensitivity. The common denominator is that young men and women must be taken seriously as people – both by their teachers and by themselves – to ensure their healthy and mature integration into the fabric of Klal Yisroel.

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