The Mechanech’s Perspective

A Teacher’s List of Do’s

(not Don’ts!)

Clear Concern

Talmidos are influenced by those they believe care about them and are concerned for their welfare. If we are to make a difference in a student’s life, we must make it clear that her well-being and success is our goal.¹ All those in the field of chinuch habanos are here because they care. We know that, but it is not enough for us to know; our students must know it, too.

It may come as a surprise that the advice offered was rejected. Not because it wasn’t sound advice. Not because it didn’t hit home. But simply because the student felt that her well-being was not the issue. Even when there is obviously no personal motive, the student must be made aware that all you seek is her benefit. When a student threw me the line, “You only care about the “school’s name,” I turned to her and said, “What is a school? A school is not a separate entity, a monolithic monster. A school is made up of individuals, yechidos. If every girl has a good name, a shem tov, then the school has a good name. So all I am concerned with is you.” With that, we sat down to address the issues at hand.

Even when a talmida knows that you care about her and that her success is your number one goal, there may be times when she feels you could not possibly understand her. Perhaps she thinks you cannot relate to her situation since you appear to be too frum, mature, smart, or different from her. Putting yourself in her shoes, conveying an understanding of her struggles or difficulties can prevent such a situation.

Understanding Their Struggles

A very glum and dejected Tali sat before me. “It’s no use. I give up. I will never be a real Bais Yaakov girl. I just am not like the rest of you.” I inquired how she felt she differed from “us.” “Oh, just that you are all so good, being tzniusdig seems to come naturally to you. Do you know what an effort it is for me? What a constant battle it is?”

A little glimpse into the daily tug-of-war all students face was all she needed to realize she was as “normal” as the rest. Even more so, she needed to realize that teachers also have their own struggles.

Taking the time to understand a student’s personal struggles can also diffuse a potential situation.

She looked up at me in surprise. “How did you know that I was so upset?!” I explained that both she and I knew that chutzpa was unacceptable, and as such, she must have lost herself. We discussed the source of the problem and some potential solutions. I pointed out that her remarks had not helped solve her problem. On the contrary, they had given her another problem to deal with. We both agreed that chutzpa was uncalled for even when one is upset, and left with a line of communication and understanding open for the future.

Explain it in Their Terms

There are times when a student is convinced of the truth of her case. She sincerely feels that a teacher is wrong, she knows a Rav who disagrees with school policy. It serves no purpose to lock horns with her. No one wins in such a situation. It is as though she wears a sign proclaiming: “My mind is made up, so don’t confuse me with the facts!” Listen to her. Let her have her say. I didn’t say I agree with her. Then very gently use her own argument or logic to point out flaws in her conclusion.

Rina politely informed me that she would no longer be able to sit in Morah L’s shiurim. Even her parents agreed with her, that this teacher was just not equipped to discuss the subject involved. She was so narrow-minded and not in sync with the school’s policies. I heard her out. I commented on how difficult it must be for her to sit in class and take notes in a class given by a teacher she clearly disagrees with. I commended her on her high grades in the subjects taught by that particular Morah, and then calmly turned to her and said: “So you don’t like the fact that Morah L is so narrow-minded and intolerant in the lessons she conveys?”

“And what about your lack of tolerance for Morah L?” I asked. Of course she had never thought of it from that perspective. Needless to say, she continued to attend the shiurim and became an active participant in the lessons.

Know Your Students

If there were a golden rule for teachers, it would be, know your student. Of course I know her, you might say; she’s the one who is always disrupting in class, the ringleader, the non-performer. These all may be true, but who is she?

Students do not function in a void. They are members of a class, but they are also daughters, sisters and friends. They bring all sorts of “baggage” to school in their designer backpacks. We must diagnose the issues involved: the social predicament of the student, her home situation, her personal shortcomings, her areas of strength. All these factors directly influence her growth and accomplishments.

Teach by Example

All students crave guidance and direction. When it is properly given, they are receptive and responsive. If we do not provide the direction, they will take their cue from other sources. When giving guidance to our talmidos, it is important to remember that hashpa’a (influence) is caught, not taught. Each time we stand up in front of a class, we are living examples as to what is expected of them. We refer to this as role modeling. The problem is we are likely to think of it as just that; a modeling job. You show up at the job site, properly attired, pose for the necessary time and take off the costume/attitude upon leaving. There is nothing further from the truth. When teaching impressionable young minds and souls, we never know what will make the greatest impression. It may surprise you to know that it is not always the difficult meforash that you deliver with great skill that has the strongest impact on a girl and changes her focus, but rather the reaction you had to a challenging class situation.

We were on a school Shabbaton in the mountains. Many staff members and their families had come along to add ruach to the experience. There were inspiring speakers and thought-provoking lectures. Surprisingly, upon our return to school, one girl said that the thing that had the most impact on her was the exchange she overheard between her teacher and her son. It had taken place Shabbos morning as they prepared to go to shul. The boy had been up for some time and had been helping out in the kitchen with preparations for the Kiddush. As a reward, he had received some cake which he promptly fed to himself and his shirt. His mother said to him, “You can’t go to shul like that. It is not kavod.” This she could not get over. It changed her whole approach to kedushas beis haknesses and tefilla.

Praise: The Magic Tool

Praise is so valuable a tool, I often wonder why it is underutilized. It is not expensive, does not require much effort, and produces the most amazing results. We must be truthful when we praise. Praising a girl for doing so well when she is failing will more likely produce a snort rather than the desired effect.

Every student has some good qualities. Focus on it and build the rest to match. A very good example of this type of praise-induced change is one I use in parenting. The scenario: a (very) messy bedroom. The advice: find one spot in that mess that is neat. Focus on it by saying, “Let’s get the rest of the room to match that shelf/drawer/corner.”

Stressing the Positive

People thrive on praise. It creates a desire to repeat the action that brought about the praise, initiating a cycle of success. As teachers, we must incorporate praise into our very being. It must reflect a positive attitude towards people and life.

Positivity is a key ingredient in chinuch. The receptivity of a student hinges on positive presentation. Most students do not reject the ideals taught in principle. Their rejection is due to the manner in which they are conveyed. This is with regard to classroom discipline, school rules and procedures, and most importantly Torah hashkafa. Stress the beauty of Torah. Mivn ycrd hycrd – show how Torah enhances our lives.

This is especially important when conveying sensitive issues such as tzenius. It is vital that bnos Yisroel realize that they are bnos hamelech². Just as a princess never feels her crown is a burden (though it is quite heavy), but rather wears it with great pride, so too, do we view tzenius as our badge of honor.

Chedva asked me one day to show her where in the Torah it says not to wear a certain style of dress that we had prohibited. I knew that she was aware that this is not a “d’Orysa,” and was looking for a loophole. I asked her if she knew why this type of dress was created. She answered immediately, “To attract attention.” I asked her why she would want to wear something that was created for that specific purpose, since she was such a refined girl. “No, no! I would never wear that, I just wanted to know.”

Signs of Trouble

All the above Do’s are in the preventive category. When we establish an open line of communication, and understanding, we can solve many a problem before it gets out of hand. Were we to succeed, many a tragic situation would be prevented. Yet, the problems do crop up... in part, because we are not the only caregivers of this child. There may be a home situation that may not complement all the positivity you radiate, or some other situation beyond your control. You will be sensitive to changes (even subtle ones) in a talmida’s behavior if you have this type of relationship.

What to look for³:

Changes in scholastic achievement: One of the more obvious signs of a student’s disenchantment is a marked drop in grades. It is often interesting to note that she may maintain her average in the limudei chol department. Perhaps this is due to the fact that secular subjects do not demand certain behavior, are basically theoretical, and do not tend to contradict her desired lifestyle.

Dress styles: Another symptom is change in mode of dress. When a girl begins to adopt a new dress style – i.e., more casual, less careful of hilchos tzenius, trendy – you must keep an eye out. Also common is the lack of Shabbos-type of dress on Shabbos and Yom Tov.

Negative relationships: Note any change in her circle of friends and acquaintances, or improper relationships. These point to a new type of behavior and interests or lack of attention and affection.

Cool speech: Watch for trendy talk. Every generation has its own catch phrases and lingo. A student who suddenly begins talking differently is obviously trying to fit in with a new crowd. Perhaps she is remaking her image so as to fit in with more “cool” students.

Lack of eye-contact: A student who is not feeling good about her actions will suddenly begin avoiding eye-contact. You will only note this if you had a relationship beforehand. This is due to her feelings of embarrassment. She knows you would not approve of her behavior.

Challenging questions: A student begins stridently challenging and confronting you in class on issues of hashkafa. These issues had never bothered her before, but now she is hotly debating every topic you raise.

What to Do Now

When as a principal or teacher you are confronted with a problematic situation, take the time to fully investigate the issues. Be sure to ascertain the precise nature of the problem. Do not get confused and treat symptoms in place of the root causes.

Keep in mind that there are no “one size fits all” chinuch tips. What worked for one may not be the solution for another.

Beware of “fishing” for information. It is not wise to confront a girl before you have the facts. It is more worthwhile to wait a little longer until you have all the information than to confront her and have it wrong. Students tend to focus on the part that you got wrong and conveniently forget about the true issues you raised.

Always give her a chance to explain. Appearances are deceiving and second-hand information can be garbled. It is also an opportune time to express disbelief: “I just could not believe the information presented to me so I am coming to verify it with you.”

Show disappointment that a girl with her ability could behave in such a manner. She will work to regain her standing in your eyes.

Focus on the bad behavior, not the bad person. When a student is labeled “bad” (or chas veshalom worse), she no longer feels a need to strive for improvement, because she is bad! Like a self-fulfilling prophecy she lives up to her reputation.

If the behavior warrants punishment, care must be taken to present it as a consequence of her actions. This is not a personal struggle. It just follows the rules of cause and effect. If you misbehave or break rules, there are consequences. Keep it free of emotions.

Celebrate minor accomplishments so that she can continue on to major ones. Any small improvement is cause for rejoicing. Remember, this is all about direction. Is the student in a growth mode or chas veshalom intent on self-destruction? She may not look or dress the way you like, but note the minute improvements.

We had agonized for a long time over the dress code for the Shabbaton. Baruch Hashem most of the girls looked wonderfully fine and aidel. It was obvious that each of the girls had tried, on her level, to bring along her finest ensemble, although some still fell short of our expectations. Monday morning, back at school, I addressed the student body. I told them how proud I was of each and every girl. I commended them on their sensitivity, and said, “For everything you brought along, I know there was something you left behind.” One mother called to say, “My daughter appreciated your understanding of how she agonized over her choice of clothes.

The most important thing a mechaneches can do is daven. Daven that your talmidos accept what you teach them. Daven that they see the beauty in Torah. Daven that they not fall prey to temptation. Daven that they improve if challila they have stumbled.

The day will come when we will no longer need address these issues. – the beauty of Torah will be apparent to all.