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Parents’ Perspective A number of readers mentioned the poignancy of “Thoughts of a Mother” as a gripping presentation of the heart of the issue: the pain and sense of hope burning in her soul...as well as many other individual articles that shed light and gave valuable guidance to parents groping for understanding and hope. Parents also reported on how they benefited from the guidance of the Gedolei Yisroel. “Mrs. Pasternitzky” (mentioned earlier as the mother of a problematic 16-year old) had called the editorial office to share an incident with us: Mrs. L. is a regular at the minyan where I daven, invariably coming to shul earlier than I do. This past Shabbos was an exception. She walked in just before the Rav’s drasha, and she looked visibly agitated. I recalled how the yarmulke on Dov, her teen-age son, seemed to be slipping from the back of his head to a spot between his eyebrows – a clear message of his disenchantment with yeshiva life. “How’s everything?” I asked her. “O.K. Everything’s fine,” she muttered. “And Dovie?” “You hit it. I finally got him to join us at the Shabbos table last night. My husband picked up the wine goblet to say Kiddush, and looked him over. He paused, and said, ‘Why don’t you tuck your shirt tails in instead of having it all hang out?’ Well, there was an explosion, and after that we – my husband and I – spent the rest of the night arguing over the necessity of his remark.” “I have an idea,” I offered. “Come over to my house tonight, and pick up the November Jewish Observer. Take it home, both of you read it, and then get it back to me.” The next morning, Mrs. L. dropped by to return the copy of JO. “We both read it from cover to cover last night. After finishing it, my husband sighed, and said, ‘I get it. I’ve got to be more accepting, and be b’simcha.’ First thing in the morning, he called out, ‘Hey kids, come over here. Let’s plan the day together. Great Adventures? The Mall? Whadayasay?’” Another Message for Parents For other parents, there is a message submitted by the father of a boy who had almost slipped away but was ultimately brought back and fully anchored in the family’s Torah-based way of life. The father, a successful teacher of Torah, writes the following (translated freely from the original Hebrew): Our Chazal teach us that a child is born with a yeitzer hara – an evil inclination – which continues to develop as the child grows older. His yeitzer tov – his positive drives – do not access his personality until he or she becomes bar/bas mitzva. When a child has been exhibiting idiosyncrasies or deviant tendencies from an early age, growing in intensity with him as he grows older, his yeitzer tov faces a fierce battle as he matures, unless he gets some strong, sympathetic help. That’s where parents come in. We plead to Hashem that He should be compassionate with us “as a father has mercy on his children.” Even when we are at our worst, we invoke G-d’s infinite mercy by using our own parental concern, tolerance, and sympathies as the paradigm of what we want from Him. What a burden that puts on us as parents! It means that we have to find a place through our shredded skins, in our bruised hearts, to identify with the miseries of our errant children. Who suffered from an errant son more than David Hamelech did from Avshalom, who rebelled against his father – in effect, deposed him, and would have gone so far as to take his life, if he could? Beyond doubt, once he was apprehended and killed, Avshalom was destined for Gehinnom. In his plea for Divine mercy for his son, David laments for the loss of “O my son, Avshalom, my son, my son Avshalom!” – putting all of his prodigious powers of prayer to work, entreating G-d to save his son from the depths of Gehinnom...each pronouncement of Avshalom’s name – seven in all – freeing him from another of the seven rungs of Hell. Somehow, the same is expected of parents who are in a Gehinnom of their own, because of their son or daughter who has gone over the edge. What an awesome expectation! |