The Mechanech’s Perspective

Of Growth and Belonging

by Rabbi Ahron Kaufma

The purpose of this article is to identify the root of our dropout problem from the perspective of a Yeshiva Rebbi, and offer a practical approach to solving it.

In truth, the dropout problem is not confined to our youth. Everyone is at risk. The difference is that adults tend to be more set in their habits, and their lack of devotion is masked by habit. They will continue to go to shul and observe many mitzvos, but without putting their hearts into it. This is not what the Torah wants. A continuous and ongoing dedication is required of everyone, and these “observant” Jews actually serve as a microcosm of the dropout phenomenon. Judaism demands growth from people of all ages. It demands it, and it also nurtures it, because its very essence is growth. Therefore, anyone who departs from this – regardless of whether he is 7, 17, 27, or 70 – is at risk of dropping out.

What are the causes of the dropout phenomenon? Exposure to immorality, to alien cultures and values, and the overwhelming power of the mass media are some culprits. Certainly the overwhelming power of television, movies, and the Internet as corrupting forces cannot be ignored. But these are not the direct cause. In fact, after discussions with many teenagers, I have found that they are not rebelling against the Torah in favor of some other culture, as did the Hellenists. Rather these diversions have the power to fascinate and occupy them, intensifying their fall.

What, then, triggers this catastrophe? Some attribute this problem to dysfunctional, broken homes, feelings of oppression and depression. These can be causes of many problems, but do not on their own bring about rebellion against Torah. Historically and logically, these forces usually inspire people toward spiritual search. Thus the question is strengthened.

The question is further highlighted by a unique phenomenon: Never before as a people have we had so many individuals coming close to Torah, while at the same time, others are abandoning a Torah life. The remarkable ba’al teshuva movement is growing every day. Paradoxically, the number of people growing up in religious homes who are walking away into emptiness is also increasing. What factors are present in our contemporary society that people could both be attracted and repelled at the same time?

“FOB” Vs. Genuine Judaism

Throughout the Siddur – indeed, distinguishing every tefilla – is the phrase “Elokeinu V’Elokei Avoseinu.” But nowhere do we find this phrase in its chronological order. Why is “Our G-d” placed before “The G-d of our fathers”? Where does my understanding of G-d come from, if not from the vast and resonant heritage that came before my arrival to this world?

“Elokeinu” is stated first because we cannot rely on those who came before us. If I stand smug and complacent – relying on the achievements of others – then I am not a participating Jew. The Torah wants it to be “Elokeinu” – my own G-d. My relationship to Hashem must be through my own journeys, my own struggles, my own discoveries, and my own accomplishments. My relationship to my Creator must be discovered, rediscovered, and reintensified on a daily basis. It must be my own avoda. Only after I extend myself can my inheritance come to me. If I add my own work to the work of my fathers, then the achievements of my fathers will have relevance to me.

The common description of one who grew up in a religious household is “Frum From Birth,” FFB. To be satisfied with one’s Judaism simply as a lifestyle inherited from one’s parents is not being “FFB.” Rather it is “FOB,” a Fact Of Birth. But this is not Judaism. Hakadosh Baruch Hu does not want genetically-produced robots. To be raised by Yirei Shamayim is indeed a great gift, but it is only meant to provide a boost to one’s own achievements, not to replace them. To the contrary, living in the valley of habit is a great drawback to growth as a Jew. We are all familiar with too many people in our own circles who are mechanical Jews, performing mitzvas anashim melumada. “Elokeinu” must precede “Elokei Avoseinu.”

The reason why the baal teshuva movement is expanding so prolifically is because the bankrupt, empty life in secular society is driving the baal teshuva to fill an inner void, to find a purpose and a need for his existence. This vacuity is anathema to him, and it becomes a spark that lights a fire, and that fire drives him ever onward.

Filling the Void

Unfortunately, when some people feel a void, they seek to fill it with things. With money, with possessions such as magnificent homes, luxury cars, designer clothing, state-of-the-art electronics, and ... (Hashem yeracheim aleinu,) with girls, drinking and drugs. People turn to these diversions because they do not know how to fill the void within. When a person is complacent in his Judaism, when the davening is by rote, and his mitzvos – and yes, even his Torah learning – are formulae punched in with the same level of involvement as a bank card’s PIN code, he perceives himself as Jewish, but he has the urge to look elsewhere to find meaning, to find a reason to live.

How many of us or our children understand the meaning of our tefillos? Prayer without understanding cannot be prayer with heart. It will not bring any real connection with Hakadosh Baruch Hu. How many of us or our children truly follow and understand Krias HaTorah and Haftorah? Is Tanach merely a handbook for vertlach and drashos, or is it the very basis of our existence?

Why is Lashon Hakodesh a foreign language? Our children sing Zemiros, whose words they don’t comprehend. Is it a wonder why English music attracts them? Are we more excited about our vacations and do we derive more pleasure from our divrei reshus (religiously neutral activities) than from performing mitzvos? What confusing message are we sending to our children? Do we really comprehend the meaning of Shabbos and Yomim Tovim on a higher level than a grade school child? Do we genuinely experience oneg Shabbos? Is our Motza’ei Shabbos an honorable escort to the departing Shabbos or the antithesis of kedushas Shabbos? Can we logically convince an irreligious person to observe Shabbos or perform mitzvos? If we can’t, is it a wonder why our children don’t? So many American Jews are surviving Judaism, not living it.

This, then, is one of the causes of the crisis gripping our young people. They live in the shallowness – or, better said, the shallows – of American Jewry. They can not understand their Judaism. If they do not understand, they cannot appreciate. If they do not appreciate, they cannot be enthusiastically involved, and it is not meaningful to them. If it is not meaningful, they are on their way to dropping out. Dropping out is not our main enemy; superficiality and ignorance are.

The Need to Belong

There is another side to the coin. Every human being has an extreme need to belong. It is a need that reaches deep into the human soul, and it grasps even at the most introverted of personalities. Yet, it does not even register in one’s mind in an intellectual way any more than being hungry or tired, and therefore it frequently escapes conscious analysis. It is there, and it pulls at man, and it does not let go.

In the past, even non-religious people identified themselves as being Jewish. They felt part of something greater than themselves. When a person does not find identity in his Judaism, he will look elsewhere. The baalei teshuva realize that they have no identity in their original society, and therefore they seek their identity in the Torah. The painful reality today is that there are people in our own society, the society that baalei teshuva are joining, who do not have this crucial need addressed in their lives and they look elsewhere.

Jewish identity can only come from feeling secure and comfortable in one’s Judaism. If a person is not comfortable with being a Jew, or where he is as a Jew – in whatever community he lives, or yeshiva he attends – he loses a sense of identity and he will always seek to replace that loss. The popularity of national sports teams across the country can be attributed to this phenomenon.

These two forces – the lack of meaning and the lack of identity – feed off each other. If my life in my society has no meaning to it, I feel detatched from that society, and I am no longer bound to it. On the reverse side, if I lack an identity in the society in which I live, then it will eventually become meaningless to me, as I seek to find a place where I feel I belong.

Many accurate points have been made regarding children who do not feel accepted by their parents, their peers, or their rebbe’im. A strong correlation exists between children from broken homes and dysfunctional families, children who are not part of the “in” crowd, children who were ejected from the classrom, and children who grow into adults and leave us. This lack of acceptance is real, and it is deadlier than can ever be imagined, but it is not the direct cause of the dropout problem. If a person is secure in his identity as a Jew, then he will not stop being a Jew because one segment of the Jewish populace does not accept him While it is true that a lack of acceptance can cause a lack of identity, it is the lack of identity that causes the dropping out, not the lack of acceptance.

The Remedy What it is not…

Before outlining a remedy, we must recognize what the remedy is not. “Fun,” in and of itself, in or out of yeshiva, will not solve the problem. In general, fun activities help us relax and temporarily forget our problems; they can even provide the basis for bonding, which offers a format for further hashpa’a. But fun activities do not bring happiness. Happiness is an outgrowth of accomplishment, which comes as a result of effort… sometimes painful effort. Watering down Torah learning, making success easier and painless, is the dumbing down of our Judaism. Good PR cannot replace substance, and a person’s neshama will sense the difference. Merely telling someone that he is a good boy, and that you like him, without giving him basis to believe that you mean it, is a false injection of temporary self-esteem, and a cosmetic cover for a deeper problem. The voids of meaning and identity continue to plague him.

Among the numerous, unmotivated, and even motivated teens with a broad range of problems whom I’ve met, one common denominator is this lack of understanding of basic Judaism, its depth and warmth. They frequently ask, “What do I gain in this world from Judaism?” “How do I benefit from being frum?” They fail to feel secure in their Jewish identity and to realize that their existence matters. They yearn to be understood and long to understand as their souls’ craving for meaning cries out deep inside them. When these issues are addressed, these teens’ directional signal changes from downwards to upwards, and subsequently, their other obstacles can now be successfully dealt with.

How can one find meaning, freshness, and vitality in actions that are repeated every day?… The answer is through growth. In order for my Judaism to be new every day, it has to be greater every day. It has to be something to which I can apply myself and can constantly feel attainment.

Growth is achieved through setting goals. When a person aspires towards something greater, his life has meaning. When he is part of something greater, his life has identity. Those goals must be in Torah, for that is the essence of being Jewish.

A teenager with goals in Torah, who identifies with a yeshiva or community, is protected from the obstacles of the world. He spiritually nourishes himself from the wellspring of Torah. A teenager without these goals will become a teenager without growth, and eventually without identity. Such a life is spiritually empty, and is the breeding ground for the rebellion and misery of our troubled youth. A sense of true purpose and value is what will give meaning to our children and will keep them from the emptiness that fills their world. (Of course, we can insert the word “adult” in place of “teenager,” and “ourselves” in place of “children,” and the above paragraph will be equally true.)

We have to imbue our children with the recognition that we are the “Am Segula.” We are special, and therefore different. We must convey to them a deep feeling of Jewish pride. There is no greater loss to the son of the king than robbing him of his identity – that is, not explaining to him who he is, his responsibilities and privileges. Mitzvos take on a different dimension when we view them in this context. They are opportunities to be utilized and cherished. Torah becomes life’s handbook. For years, the Sefer HaChinuch and Taamei HaMitzvos were taught to children at the Shabbos table, teaching them the reasons for mitzvos. Understanding leads to appreciation.

There are many areas to discover and learn, and the excitement and fufillment generated by Chumash Be’iyun, Navi, Kesuvim, Jewish History, Hashkafa, Halacha, Mussar, and other topics are real, and true to the essence of Torah. Many successful b’nei Torah in Beis Midrash allocate time in their daily schedules to learn these topics. We should encourage our children to discover these topics earlier, to spend their free time exploring them. It is fertile ground for building up Jewish pride and understanding, and it fills free time with stimulating and engrossing challenges.

Crowding the Schedule, Touching the Source

Our teens are faced with much unstructured time. If their time is not filled with something positive, it will be filled with negative influences. Friday afternoon, Shabbos, Motza’ei Shabbos and Sunday afternoon allow too much freedom. The momentum of the previous week’s growth is lost and they begin a new week at a deficit. It is worthwhile to implement a system whereby older bachurim spend time with younger boys. It benefits both groups. The younger boys have an opportunity to learn and gain from older role models. They will relate and open up to them, providing positive peer pressure. At the same time, older bachurim learn and grow as they guide others. Nothing creates a sense of self-satisfaction like being needed and giving to others: The greatest gift that one can give and chessed that one can perform is teaching Torah and helping another develop into a ben Torah. Everyone gains from this situation. Done properly, this has been proven to have an overwhelming success rate.

One of the most effective tools of motivation and, therefore, prevention is iyun tefilla. Spending one half hour daily, learning the purpose of tefilla, its explanations and its depth, guiding students in concentration in tefilla allows our students to be acutely aware of Hakadosh Baruch Hu and our purpose and mission in life. Classes in tefilla become a basis for many hashkafa and machshava discussions, both in and out of class. Tefilla is engaged in three times daily, so they are aware of the constant results of these sessions. It opens lonely, vulnerable hearts to reach out intimately to The Infinite Creator. Tefilla is designed to put us into a frame of mind to be touched by Hashem. It opens our hearts to introspection, to understanding, to warmth; and stimulates growth and motivates us to learn further.

A Sacred Partnership

When a Rebbi makes investments in his talmidim, stimulating their growth, he is clearly communicating his love and respect for them, conveying his confidence in them. He thereby cultivates an influential and even intimate relationship with his talmidim, which stimulates further growth. Nevertheless, only when parents work together with the Rebbi can the child’s full potential be achieved. After all, Chazal describe parents and Rabbe’im as partners.

While the parental role emphasizes making the child successful in Olam Hazeh, and the Rebbi’s primary focus is Olam Habba, these areas of focus are not mutually exclusive. Mandatory parenting groups under the auspices of our yeshivos are vital for nurturing this partnership.

Avoiding a Double Misconception

When a parent questions the integrity of a Rebbe or Menahel, and accuses the hanhala of making its primary concern the reputation of their institution or their egos, and of not working with mesiras nefesh and concern for the welfare of the child, they are damaging the relationship between the child and Rebbe, between talmid and yeshiva. A child whose attitude becomes negative towards his yeshiva will not absorb the goals of the yeshiva. Moreover, the above parent will not inform the Rebbe of situations and problems within the home that may influence the child’s behavior and performance in the classroom. A child also senses this, and feels uncomfortable communicating his feelings to people in authority, or asking questions about topics that trouble him. This will cause the talmid to seek identity and support amongst peers outside the yeshiva, whom he mistakenly perceives to be friends who care.

Only when parents and talmidim realize that we are all on the same team, can all of these issues be successfully resolved.

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