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Parents: The Most Effective Teachers What does it take to make a marriage successful? A successful marriage requires trust, commitment and sacrifice. It is not a coincidence that these same requirements are needed to make a good parent. Once we recognize this fact, we can succeed in both achieving a happy marriage and raising good children. This following article is a compilation of discussions I had with troubled children, many of whom have become disillusioned with Yiddishkeit. The common theme is the correlation between homes blessed with shalom bayis and well-behaved children, and homes where arguments and friction are the norm and rebellious children. Although it would be inaccurate to say that good families do not sometimes find themselves with difficult children, the friendship within a close family slows a child’s downfall and hastens his return back. Those in the kiruv kerovim (bringing religious Jews closer) field can often tell you which parents have a successful marriage and which do not, simply by speaking to their children. What is the connection between being a good spouse and good parent? Our lives are complex, and throughout the day we play many roles. We are employees and employers, Rabbanim and shul members. At home we are father, mother, and/or grandparent. One role that we all play is teacher – we teach others by example. It is this form of teaching that the Tanna was referring to when he said in Avos: From all I have learnt and have come to understand. This acknowledgement places an enormous burden on the parent. Our actions are often public. How much do we affect others? How much of a responsibility do we have towards our children? As a parent, we have the greatest opportunity to teach our children. Our children instinctively come to look upon us as their leader and mentor. Our greatest impact on our children is in regard to the mitzvos bein adam l’chaveiro – interpersonal commands. And the greatest opportunity we have to demonstrate our care and concern in this area is by the way we interact with our spouses. As such, we must recognize shalom bayis as being the cornerstone of chinuch banim u’banos – educating our sons and daughters. Respect – The Necessary Ingredient Maximizing our ability to teach our children depends on one key ingredient: respect. In order to earn our children’s respect, we must present ourselves as being worthy of emulating. We should be well-rounded: Successful in Torah, successful in supporting a family, and successful in interacting with family and friends. If a child perceives his parent as a failure, we cannot expect them to respect them. Often children’s only examples of “other” parents are at their friend’s house, when the adults are generally on their best behavior. As a result, our children are deceived into thinking that their home is the only one with any arguments or difficulties. Specifically, in a home marked by lack of harmony, the child sees a lack of personal respect between his parents. Can a parent who cannot earn the respect of his – or her – own spouse become a positive role model for his child? Nor can a parent who does not show respect for his wife expect his child to respect her. Demanding it conveys the message: Do as I say, not as I do. A wife who interrupts her husband in public has taught her children that one can follow their impulses, even at the expense of someone who is important to them. Children are sensitive to the mood that prevails between spouses. A home that is permeated with stress makes them extremely uncomfortable. Children, girls in particular, will seek the solitude of their bedrooms and shut themselves off from their family. They will also eventually seek other circles of friends to compensate for the family they believe they lack. Unhappily, the alternatives may not always be desirable. Our Children – The Sum Total of Their Parents There are several reasons children behave like their parents. The first is that they naturally follow the path that they have seen their entire life. Let me relate one particular story. “Moshe” was brought up in what appeared to be a fine, typical home. His father, however, had a temper, constantly finding fault with his wife. Many of these arguments took place in front of the children, and they became accustomed to their parents’ constant arguments. It was never clear to the children who was right or even who began the confrontations. Moshe obviously resented being brought up in such a home, but he was not aware of the deep anger that grew within him. He left his home at 14, and has hardly spoken to his family since. My conversations with Moshe have always concluded with his repeating his strong resentment towards his father. Yet he continues to act more and more like the father from whom he is trying to distance himself. Part genes and part upbringing, a child cannot break away from the behavior he so dislikes by virtue of resentment alone. It takes a sincere commitment to change from the familiar, something most of us are unwilling to do. Moshe continues to subjectively distinguish between his temper and that of his father. He cannot, or is unwilling, to see the similarity between them. The terrible cycle begun by his parents continues. Another student once confided to me, “ My father lies in front of me. He does it to avoid confrontations. If he’s late, he’ll say there was traffic. I, too, have learnt to get my way.” The father, though, laments to me why his son cannot talk straight. I can only wonder at the irony of the situation. As parents, we forget that our home is our child’s window to the outside world. If we act fairly to others, they will assume that all adults act fairly, especially those in the frum community. If not, they will assume that all adults are unfair, and again, particularly the frum community. The child will draw on these experiences when deciding whether or not he wants to remain frum. Often, children decide that all adults are insincere or selfish. The source of this information is limited to one family: their own. With their biased, limited view, they confirm their belief. It is always important to bear in mind that your home is your child’s model of the world. An Allegiance to Family To a child, parents who argue appear as strangers living together. It seems to the child that there is no bond or commitment to each other. Family commitment is something that cannot be taught, but must be felt. The protection and caring of one for the other is an important lesson that can only be seen in the home. A teenage friend of mine suggested the following insight: He has long disliked his father’s treatment of his mother. He recently noticed that when he visited families for Shabbos he gravitates to the wife during conversation, feeling uncomfortable with the husband’s presence. He added that another mutual friend gravitates towards the men because of his resentment over his mother’s treatment of his father. I have seen many young couples who are intuitively caring and receptive spouses. Without direct lessons from their parents, they seem to naturally follow what they have seen in the home. Couples who work out issues smoothly are often the offspring of a happy and respectful upbringing. They have noticed many subtle gestures. A parent will offer small talk to break the ice after a fight. Another parent will always compliment the spouse’s appearance. These subtleties become ingrained in their children and are repeated during their own marriage. It is worth mentioning that to our children, we are larger than life. What is actually a small argument may appear to our children to be much more significant. Children with little self-esteem, in particular, interpret these incidents as being of greater importance than they truly are. Often, without any clear reason, they blame themselves for their parents’ arguments. In addition, we often argue in front of our family, yet apologize privately. Our children are only seeing half the story, missing the happy ending. Often, the true cause of friction is never revealed to them: a bad day at work, or a sick grandparent. The younger our children are, the less are they able to interpret what they witness. Quarrelling Parents – Dealing With the Problem Chinuch under ideal situations is difficult; when parents disagree, it is almost impossible. While no two people agree on everything, what can parents do when they disagree on everything? First, they must recognize that children are masters of interpreting the unspoken word. They intuitively recognize signs of uncertainty, dishonesty, and a lack of unity. They may interpret the passivity of one parent as a sign of disagreement. They will then move to take advantage of this, believing that this conflict will not allow parents to effectively monitor them. In general, one of the main weaknesses of parents is failure to recognize the depth of their children’s understanding of the nuances of body language. Children will often manipulate parents into internal conflicts, distracting them from their mutual goal: Chinuch. Parents who disagree should honor the following guidelines: Ideally, parents should have someone experienced and accessible to speak with, someone with whom both parents feel comfortable. He must know and understand their child, as well as the general relationship of the parents and their ability to be mechanech (educate) their children. Honesty is of the utmost importance when seeking advice. Differences in Dealing with Discipline When there is no one available, I suggest the following rules: The parent who believes in the method being promoted should be the one implementing it. The same parent must “clean up” from any problems. For instance, if one parent wants to strongly criticize a child during an already tense moment, that parent must deal with the ensuing tantrum. If a child constantly runs towards one parent, that parent has a strong say in the method of discipline, as he is the one dealing with the crying child. What should you do when a child, after having had an argument with your spouse, asks for your support, and you feel your spouse was unjustified? You can neither agree nor argue with your spouse. Yet you must convey to your child his responsibility for the encounter. The proper response should sound like this: “You know your father/mother gets upset when you do that. You should have expected he/she will punish/scream at you for that.” How should a parent respond when his or her spouse constantly overreacts? Here, a more dramatic approach in needed. Don’t wait for the next confrontation: Show your conviction towards the issue. (Conviction is not anger or resentment, simply a strong belief in his mistake, conveying that you will not back down until this issue is settled.) If his or her methods are as extreme as you believe they are, take him or her to someone both respect. Remember to deal with policy, and not individual cases. Individual cases are personal. General rules are broader and can be accepted more readily. Be prepared. By being forceful, you might have to undertake the bulk of the chinuch, oversee recreation time, and supervise most of their homework, as well. In extreme cases it might be necessary to calmly, and privately, confirm to the child that you feel the other parent is being too harsh, and that you will work with him (the child) if, he in turn, will work with you. Do not legitimize angry or impulsive behavior as ever being justified. You must, without anger, convey, “Nobody’s perfect, not even parents. But it is still your responsibility to avoid behavior that causes anger.” In general, I believe children do not have to believe parents are perfect, just that despite their mistakes they mean well. In Conclusion Marriage is a deceptive relationship. The idealistic optimism of the new chassan and kalla gives way to the realization that they have committed themselves to a responsibility that will take all the energy and resources they can muster. A strong marriage is a worthy and necessary project, as it becomes a role model for our children, grandchildren, and our community. I would like to conclude with the Maharal’s statement in the Gemora: “A proper match is as difficult as the splitting of the Sea.” The Maharal adds that the miracle is not in finding the match, but in keeping the couple happily together for the rest of their lives. Let us work on this daily miracle, proving us worthy of a home where the Shechina resides within our walls. |
