The material in this article is drawn from a lecture delivered by Rabbi Avraham Hakohein Pam shlita to bnei Torah. Although the ideas appear to be addressed specifically to men, they apply equally to women. Many of these insights have been published in Hebrew in Rabbi Pam’s sefer, Atara LaMelech.

Our Rabbis prescribe that a person should be humble, patient and beloved to all people, but especially to his family members – to his wife and children. Unfortunately, in some situations, it is these people – the ones closest to him – who are neglected and not treated properly. While a person may have a wonderful reputation in the community for his accomplishments and acts of chessed, his own family members may view him from an entirely different perspective – one that is not nearly as favorable.

In the recent past there has been a great deal of emphasis on avoiding lashon hara, and the devastating effect that it can have on people’s lives. However, I feel that there is another area of speech that has not been stressed enough, which is equally harmful and which can undermine the very foundation of family life. It is also a prohibition explicitly mentioned in the Torah – Ona’as devarim. The Torah commands, “V’lo sonu ish es amiso” (Vayikra 25, 17) “You shall not cause pain to your fellow man.”

The Chinuch (Mitzva 338) explains: vhvrixyv vhvbyacys Myrbd larsyl rman als ”“Mhm rzihl uc vb Nyav

We are prohibited to utter words that hurt and cause pain especially when the subject is helpless to protect himself. This is true even when dealing with strangers. How much more so when dealing with one’s own spouse and family members.

Chazal (quoted in the Chinuch, Mitzva 65) note: hlibl hsa ,vybal lbvk Nb’vcv – When a child is hurt, he runs to his father for protection and comfort. When a woman is offended, she turns to her husband for solace and compassion. When the pain comes from her spouse, however, she has no place to go for help and understanding. The hurt is more intense because it comes from the one she loves and trusts most, and who is supposed to love her. By causing his wife pain, the husband is violating the basic contract of the marriage – the kesuba – in which he accepts the responsibility to honor and take care of his wife in the manner in which a Jewish husband is expected to treat her.

Harsh words – words spoken in anger or just carelessly without considering what the effect will be on one’s spouse – can cause deep wounds. The pain that is inflicted lingers and festers until the foundations of the marriage begin to erode to the point in which there is abuse, and this can eventually lead to a get.

Care Before Marriage

When a young man and woman are seeing each other for shidduchim purposes, they put a great deal of thought into what they say to each other, and how they say it. After each date, they analyze the conversations and evaluate whether they spoke properly or not, and whether or not it will affect the shidduch. After marriage, however, people talk and say things without giving a thought as to how it will affect their spouse – whether it will impact on their shalom bayis. People would be well advised to be as careful with their words after marriage as they were when they were dating. If one is in doubt about whether or not to say something, he should ask himself, “Would I have said this while I was dating her?”

When speaking to a group about shalom bayis, I presented the following anecdote: When a husband and wife sat down to breakfast one fine morning, the wife remarked, “I woke up this morning at six o’clock and I feel as though I’ve already put in a day’s work.”

The husband replied, “You woke up at six o’clock? When I left for shul at seven o’clock you were still sleeping!”

“So what? So you’re calling me a liar?!”

“I didn’t say that!”

“But you implied it!”

“You’re always distorting my words. You turn them around. I can’t talk to you!”

“I’m distorting your words! You can’t talk to me?!”

And so the conversation continued. The breakfast lost its taste. The husband left without saying “good-bye,” and the wife had a miserable day.

Fortunately, this scenario didn’t actually play out as described; but it could very well have happened. The husband, however, had enough sense not to say anything. When he heard his wife say that she got up at six o’clock and felt as though she had done a day’s work, he didn’t feel that he had to comment on this. Had he responded, the original story would likely have been the script.

It is not necessary to have the last word. Problems develop when each side wants to have the last word and win the argument. Nobody wins arguments – they merely cause tensions to escalate. Restraint in speech is the basis for shalom bayis.

Avoiding Labels and Names

An important part of shalom bayis as well as chinuch is to know how to express oneself in the event that one is upset with his spouse or children.

The Chazon Ish, l”xz once pointed out to a person who used the expression, “It’s a lie,” that it would have been more appropriate to say, “It’s not the truth.” Although the two expressions seem to be very similar, nevertheless, to a sensitive person there is a great difference – the same as the distinction between “temei’a” – defiled” and “lo tehora” – not pure.”

Even worse than exclaiming, “It’s a lie!” however, is to say, “You are a liar!” for in the latter situation he is attacking the essence of the person. Just as Chazal (Bava Metzia 33) distinguish between a roveitz (“who is crouching”), and a ravtzan (an animal that is constantly crouching, so that he is described as a “croucher”), so too, a shakran (liar) implies that falsehood and lies are part of the person’s very nature. Calling someone a liar is an insult that goes to the core of his identity.

I once heard a mother telling her three-year old child, “You’re a bad boy!” The child began crying uncontrollably, and only with great difficulty was the mother able to calm him down. Had the mother simply said, “Stop that! What you are doing is very bad!” the child would not have taken the insult so much to heart. But by using an insulting label, the child felt worthless and his feelings were greatly hurt. If parents use derogatory names when they become angry at their children, they are doing them great harm. Such verbal abuse can cause feelings of inferiority in the children and can have a long-term deleterious effect on them. The same is true in regard to marriage: when one spouse becomes angry at the other and hurls insulting epithets at him or her, it can undermine the foundations of their shalom bayis.

Frequently, long after the reasons for the quarrel are forgotten, the unkind names that one spouse called the other are remembered, and it is very difficult to undo the harm that was caused.

Shlomo Hamelech wrote in Mishlei (12, 18): “There are some whose speech is [as harmful] as the piercing of a sword, but the tongue of the wise heals.”

Complaining

An important component of shalom bayis is to keep things in proper perspective and to realize that many things that people complain about come from the greatest berachos that Hashem bestows upon them.

When Bnei Yisroel complained about the Mon (manna) in the wilderness, the Torah proceeds to describe its wonderful qualities. And Rashi (Bamidbar 11,7) notes that the verse wishes to teach us an important lesson: “Behold, you who come into the world, what My children are complaining about. Yet the Mon is so valued.”

A simple application of this: The husband comes home from work and finds the house in complete disarray – toys are strewn about, shoes are scattered all over, the children are running wild, and supper is not ready. The husband complains to his wife about her lack of housekeeping abilities and uses unpleasant terms to describe his feelings.

At that point the words of the heavenly voice ring out, “Behold, you who come into the world, what are My children complaining about!?” How many people pray and yearn for normal healthy children who will be able to run and play and make a mess in the house! How many people wish that they had a wife to come home to!

(In the Baruch She’amar prayer we say, “Blessed is the One who has compassion on the earth. Blessed is the One who has compassion on the creatures.” Some explain this in a humorous vein: There are some people who have compassion on the earth – they are more concerned that the floor be spotless, that it constantly be swept, and that toys be put away. There are others who are more concerned about the family members and “have compassion on the creatures.” If the children are healthy and happy – even if they make a mess – this is their greatest joy, and they thank Hashem for this blessing constantly.)

Before complaining, one would be well advised to think about the underlying source of the complaint and determine whether he should in actuality be eternally grateful for the situation – a caring wife and healthy, active children.

A Sensitive Relationship

The relationship between a husband and wife is a very sensitive one and can easily be upset. We can observe this from the fact that Hashem found it necessary to change the words of Sarah – when relating them to Avraham – from “Va’adoni zakein” (“and my master is old”) to “Va’ani zakanti” (“and I have become old”). Why was it necessary to do this? Sarah had merely made her comment privately. Additionally, saying that Avraham was old was not a derogatory statement. To the contrary, Avraham was the one who had beseeched Hashem to make him look old (Bava Metzia 87a). If so, why did Hashem deem it necessary to modify Sarah’s words?

Apparently, the relationship between a man and his wife is so delicate, that the same words that would be considered innocuous – or even complimentary – if said by an outsider, could be misconstrued and thought to be insulting if said by a spouse.

Chazal (Bava Metzia 59b) tell us that a man must be very careful not to cause pain to his wife because her tears come easily, and therefore ona’asa kerova. Rashi explains that a husband must be very careful not to cause pain to his wife with insulting words, because punishment for his harsh words is swift in coming.

The Beis Yoseif relates in the sefer, Maggid Meisharim (Parshas Va’eira), that the Maggid (the angel who would learn with him and admonish him) revealed to him the lofty nature of his wife’s soul. Now, we can be certain that the Beis Yoseif conformed to the words of Chazal (Bava Metzia 59) that a man should always be careful to properly honor his wife, and that he should place her honor before his own. Nevertheless, the Maggid felt it imperative to inspire him to honor her even more by revealing the ethereal nature of her neshama (soul).

Unfortunately, we do not have maggidim to reveal to us the sublime nature of our spouses’ souls. Most likely, however, it will become known to us in Olam Habba (the World-to-Come), and if we do not respect them properly and cause them pain while they live with us, the shame that we will experience will be unbearable.

The Constant Challenge

Shalom bayis needs constant strengthening and vigilance. We find that when the angels came to inform Avraham and Sarah that they would have a child, they asked, “Where is Sarah, your wife?” (Bereishis 18, 9). Rashi comments: The angels knew where our Matriarch, Sarah, was. Rather, [they asked the question] to point out her great modesty to Avraham [that she was in the tent] in order to make her more beloved to him.

What is fascinating is that the couple involved – Avraham and Sarah – were elderly people who had lived together in harmony for many decades. But in spite of all this, the angels deemed it worthwhile to point out Sarah’s special qualities so as to make her even more beloved to Avraham.

Maintaining shalom bayis in the most fragile of relationships is the great challenge that all married people face. One must continuously work on improving it, and appreciating and honoring the unique qualities of his spouse, and the many blessings that Hashem has bestowed upon him. One must be constantly vigilant to avoid harsh, critical, insulting or sarcastic comments to one’s spouse, and not insist on getting the last word in. By following this formula, one can be assured of making his home into a suitable place for the Shechina (Divine Presence), where he will be able to raise holy and emotionally healthy children who will be a source of pride to Klal Yisroel.

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