The Shidduch Process

Rabbi Matisyahu Salomon, shlita on

Introduction

The Shechina dwells in the Jewish home, we are told. In fact, the two letters that distinguish the Hebrew words for man and woman - the letter 'Yud' in the ish (man) and the 'Hey' of isha (woman) - combine to form the Divine Name of Yud and Hey: Kah. Without them, each word spells aish - fire: fires of passion, perhaps, at the onset, but ultimately fires of destruction. In a Torah-inspired home, however, the husband and the wife, together, form a basis for the Shechina.

The goals of setting up a Bayis Ne'eman BeYisroel - a home that resonates with kedusha (sanctity) and would be comfortable hosting the Divine Presence - may, at first blush, seem too daunting a task to entrust to a young man and woman who may (or may not yet) be barely out of their teens. Yet, Chazal have told us that 'At eighteen one is destined for the chupa.' Moreover, young people usually also possess fires of idealism, which can truly equip them to embark on such an ambitious undertaking.

This extremely challenging task can be brought more within the reach of a young couple if they have access to a mentor who possesses the requisite Torah-based knowledge and experience to guide them in this most crucial of lifeís undertakings.

The Jewish Observer thus submitted several questions to Rabbi Matisyahu Salomon shlita, Mashgiach of Bais Medrash Govoha in Lakewood NJ, formerly Mashgiach of the Yeshiva in Gateshead, for his comment.

The questions, with the Mashgiach's responses, follow:

I. JO: What are the important points one should research before entering a shidduch?

(a) Which should take priority? Are there any areas that can - or should - wait until later?

(b) Should finances be discussed before the couple meet, or can this wait until after initial meetings, when they are progressing toward making a commitment?

Rabbi Salomon: (a) Of course, there are universal concerns that everyone cares about: the prospective partner's health, family, chinuch. Beyond that, a person should inquire about those aspects of the prospective shidduch that are important to him or her. An objective checklist is not about to follow; personal leanings and preferences count.

If a young man or woman is reading these lines in hope of finding definitive guidance in terms of which character traits are more or less important, may I suggest that at the threshold of seeking a shidduch, this type of search is several years overdue. For this very reason, when presenting a shmuess to young men of shidduch age, I do not offer advice as to which middos one should look for. There is no point in imposing my standards on someone else. It will not be helpful to them and, in the long run, it can prove counter-productive: Shmuel or Velvel will not find happiness with a wife who meets my criteria, if he does not share those same standards in his personal life.

This specific type of 'preparation' for marriage should begin several years in advance of involvement in shidduchim. Ideally, the young bachur and girl should have mentors who help them formulate his and her personal goals in middos and character development. After that, on the basis of oneís personal roster of desirable traits (and those that should be avoided), one can project a profile of the type of person one is looking for as an ideal mate. But one should not go shopping with a list that does not reflect oneís personal goals. The list must reflect one's own chinuch.

(b) While a prospective couple will generally decide to go through with a shidduch after meeting with each other, and feeling secure in their choice of zivug, there are certain conditions in terms of background, level of observance, family, and future intentions that are to be met. These objective issues - including financial obligations - should be clarified before the couple invests time and emotional involvement in a face-to-face meeting.

This prerequisite was conveyed orally by the Chofetz Chaim zt'l to Rabbi Elchonon Wasserman hy'd, as reported by Reb Elchonon in private correspondence:

II. JO: How does a bachur who would like to devote a number of years to learning after the chasuna reconcile conflicting concerns of (a) meeting basic financial needs, (b) bitachon, (c) mentschlichkeit, (d) finding his true zivug?

Rabbi Salomon: One must think realistically in terms of minimum needs, and stop there. To escalate one's financial frame of reference to a 'wish list,' which become 'expectations,' and then are presented as 'demands' is demeaning for all concerned. It also carries the risk of crossing the line into being 'A person who marries a woman for monetary reasons.'1 Ideally, money should not even enter the equation when choosing a spouse, but we live in bedi'eved, less-than-perfect circumstances. As a result, entering a marriage with the intention of devoting oneself to full-time Torah study requires a degree of financial security, beyond typical kollel stipends, in keeping with 'If there is no kemach (bread) there is no Torah.' This, of course, may also involve the young manís engaging in some tutoring, the wife's teaching, and so on, to supplement the committed amounts of support. With these and other sources of support in place, the search should then focus exclusively on the quality of the individual, not on the size of the dowry.

In sum, financial considerations should encompass two elements: they should be formulated on a basis of mistapek bemu'at - a minimum standard of living - and be received with hakoras hatov - a deep sense of gratitude to whoever provides the support.

III. JO: Should parents of a prospective shidduch meet before the young couple does?

Rabbi Salomon: When such a meeting is feasible, it has many advantages - especially to help the principals resolve their doubts. When one or the other member of the prospective shidduch gets last-minute cold feet, a note of encouragement from his or her parents based on the pre-shidduch meeting can be crucially reassuring.

IV. JO: Is there a minimum number of times a couple should meet before they make a commitment? A maximum, after which they should be ready to make a decision without further meetings?

Rabbi Salomon: The couple should continue to meet each other until they feel reasonably confident in their choice, based on shared goals and appreciation of each other's company. It is ridiculous to hope to work out every detail of their projected relationship in advance, and to expect to do so is an exercise in futility.

V. JO: To what do you attribute the rising rate of divorces in Chareidi circles?

Rabbi Salomon: A key element in a successful marriage is savlonus - forbearance. After all, a marriage brings together two unique individuals, from different backgrounds, and of different genders - which, of course, expresses itself in emotional and spiritual makeup and needs, as well as in disparate educations and different roles in the life of each. A successful marriage is thus a learning process. This is viable when the members view themselves as partners in an undertaking, with each yielding to the other partner more often than not. Should a person enter marriage with the single goal of self-gratification, with an agenda of 'I'm in this for me,' it is doomed to failure.

This focus on self-gratification - physical pleasure and emotional fulfillment - is often the product of oversimplified lectures or literature available on how to create a successful marriage, which promise a life of marital bliss, if you just adhere to the guidelines that follow. This leads to chasing an elusive rainbow. Then, when the promises do not materialize, the disappointed marriage partner assumes that thereís something better out there, something (or someone) to which he or she is entitled. So why continue to make do with less than that to which one is entitled?

Again: Marriage is a partnership in which both must continue to invest in a common venture, with dividends yet to come.

A young man cannot be imbued with this outlook in a single chassan shmuess or even in a five-session vaad (series of talks). It calls for long-term preparation in fashioning oneself - in Rabbi Dessler's reference – into a “giver” rather than a “taker.” Then one emerges as a person prepared to found a Bayis Ne’eman be-Yisroel. To do otherwise is to risk being either a chassid shoteh or a naval bireshus haTorah.

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