Overview

The Torah describes in great detail Avraham Avinu’s approach to finding a match for his son Yitzchak. Many relevant lessons can be learned from this entire episode.

The Torah relates how Avraham summoned Eliezer and made him swear by “the G-d of Heaven and Earth” that he would only take a wife for Yitzchak from Avraham’s own family in Charan. (See Bereishis 24,3.) In his commentary on this pasuk, Rabbeinu Bachya asks why Avraham insisted that Eliezer take an oath, particularly in light of the fact that Eliezer was Avraham’s most trusted servant – he administered Avraham’s entire fortune and was in charge of all of his master’s affairs. Moreover, Eliezer was the main transmitter of Avraham’s teachings to the world. In fact, Chazal explain the words of the Torah, “Moshel bechol asher lo – he [Eliezer] ruled over all that was his” (ibid., v. 2) in the sense that Eliezer had the same complete control over his own yeitzer hara (inclinations) as did Avraham Avinu. Why then would Avraham find it necessary to make him swear? Surely, he could trust him to follow his instructions and find the proper shidduch for Yitzchak!

This story raises even more questions. Why did Avraham Avinu choose to seek a wife for Yitzchak in Charan, his birthplace? Ramban states that Avraham had attracted tens of thousands of students whom he had inculcated with belief in Hashem. He painstakingly built an entire community dedicated to the service of Hashem; indeed, the pasuk refers to him, “N’si Elokim – a Prince of G-d.” Yet, he did not choose a wife for Yitzchak from this exemplary kehilla. Rather, he chose to send his servant to seek out a match in Charan from his own family, who were outright idol-worshippers. From the wording of the Torah, Chazal deduce that, upon Eliezer’s arrival at the home of Lavan, Lavan had to reassure him that he had removed all idols from the house so he could enter. Why then did Avraham Avinu not seek a shidduch from among his pious students, his kehilla, all of whom had become monotheists?

Abarbanel explains that although Avraham’s family were idol worshippers, they inherently possessed middos tovos, positive character traits in their very blood. It was these traits that Avraham had wanted his own descendants to possess. His talmidim, on the other hand, were descendants of Canaan, whom the Torah refers to as cursed. Despite their belief in Hashem, their inherent character traits were deficient and Avraham knew that his progeny would not be suitable for being the forebears of the Jewish nation (Klal Yisroel) if they were to have the middos of Canaan in their genes.

We can thus understand the common aphorism often cited in regard to shidduchim, “If the choice is between ‘frumkeit’ and middos, middos take precedence.” At risk of being misunderstood, let me explain: Emuna is certainly the foundation of Yiddishkeit. Without emuna – without being frum, which is a by-product of emuna – a person possessing the finest middos is still a “lost soul” in a religious sense. That aphorism about frumkeit and middos refers to a person in possession of sterling traits who enters the “House of Avraham Avinu,” a house permeated with emuna. He will eventually become a maamin, a believer. Somebody who has emuna, however, but lacks the requisite positive character traits, will have a much more difficult time changing his inherent negative middos, even when exposed to an atmosphere where middos tovos are the norm. For unlike emuna or frumkeit, which can be more easily acquired on their own, middos are largely inborn and are therefore difficult to learn and acquire later in life. It is for this reason that when choosing a shidduch, middos is stressed over frumkeit.

Rabbeinu Bachya explains Avraham Avinu’s concern over middos in a similar manner, and concludes his discussion by mentioning the Sephardic custom of taking out the Torah and reading the Parsha of Chayei Sarah to a groom on his wedding day. This is to remind the groom to contemplate Avraham Avinu’s approach to finding a partner for his son Yitzchak: He too should not marry for beauty, money or honor, but rather for the sake of Heaven, and take pains to choose a wife from a worthy family. This, he explains, is why the Torah relates many instances of people marrying within their own extended families, as did Avraham Avinu, and Amram in marrying Yocheved, his aunt. Marrying a person from one’s own surroundings and background will help ensure mutual understanding, compatible goals, and a harmonious relationship.

Rabbeinu Bachya goes out of his way to emphasize that one should marry for the sake of heaven. Why this special emphasis in the case of marriage? After all, the Mishna in Avos declares, “All of your deeds should be for the sake of Heaven.”

To explain this point, we will return to Avraham’s insistence that Eliezer swear by the “G-d of Heaven and Earth.” Ibn Ezra, in a cryptic comment, which he calls a “secret of the Torah (sod),” states that the reason for this oath is found in the Talmud’s dictum: “Forty days before a fetus is conceived, a Bas Kol (Heavenly voice) calls out and says ‘the daughter of Ploni (so-and-so) to Ploni.’” The Avi Ezer explains that in order to understand the cryptic words of Ibn Ezra, one must study Rashi’s explanation on the pasuk in Bereishis (2,18), in which Hashem says, “It is not good for Man to be alone. I will make him a helpmate opposite him.” Rashi explains, “So that they should not say that there are two authorities. Hashem is unique in higher realms and has no mate, and Man is unique in the lower realms, and he too has no mate.” Rashi implies that if Man were left without a partner on earth, he would become so filled with self-importance, that he would view himself as a god. That is why Hashem created a partner for Man. Creation of the human female, however, differed from the female of all other species, in that she was made from Man himself and was therefore a part of him. In all other species, the male and female are completely independent of each other; the only purpose of the female is to propagate the species.

There is yet another important dimension to their creation. Man was created so weak that he could not manage alone in this world. He and his partner are completely dependent on one another to navigate the vicissitudes of life. Why didn’t Hashem make the human a super-being, with the ability to do everything – learn, earn a living, cook, bring up children, and so on? Rashi is telling us that if a person would possess such capacities, able to perform all tasks himself, he would think of himself as a Yachid B’olamo – a singular power in this world. Man must realize that he cannot do everything on his own.

Marriage is the means for bringing a person to completion, so that he can achieve his ultimate goal: Each spouse is intended to complete the other, to enable the two together to overcome their inherent inadequacies. Were the aim of marriage to be no more than simply providing a vehicle to propagate the human race, Hashem could have created humans similar to animals, who have little to do with each other. Rather, Hashem intended that each person help his or her mate achieve their assigned goals through understanding one another’s needs, and overcoming obstacles so as to realize these goals. This is what the pasuk indicated with the comment: “It is not good for Man to be alone.”

This concept can be developed further by examining the term “bashert – predestined” and its implications. It is commonly assumed that when it comes to shidduchim, everybody has a “bashert,” a predestined partner whom he (and she) must find. But, is not everything in the world also predestined? Why is this only singled out in regard to shidduchim?

In fact, the Talmudic source for this concept is, “Forty days before conception, a heavenly voice proclaims, ‘the daughter of Ploni for Ploni.’” But that Talmudic statement continues, saying the same regarding “the house of Ploni to Ploni… [and] the field of Ploni to Ploni….” The same heavenly voice that declares whom one will marry also proclaims which house one will live in, and which field one will acquire. These too are “bashert.” This concept can also be seen from the Gemora that states: “Before one is born, it is declared whether he will be wise or foolish, strong or weak, poor or rich…” (Nidda 30a). If everything about the person is predestined, it would seem that even before a person is born, his circumstances are so molded that there is little room to improve or regress. Why did Hashem create man this way?

We recognize, of course, that at the moment of a child’s birth, a soul is sent into its body to fulfill a specific mission. The soul has a complement of tools necessary to achieve that purpose. Chazal are telling us that a person is provided with all that he needs to succeed in his mission in this world. If the person is to become a talmid chacham, he is provided with the requisite intelligence. If he is to become a baal tzeddaka, he is provided with the necessary wealth, and so on. Similarly, it is difficult to achieve one’s purpose without a place to live; thus the Bas Kol declares the assignment of “the house of Ploni.” And the same applies to Bas Ploni – one’s spouse, for a spouse is an integral part of one’s life, without whom he would not be able to act out in his assigned role in life. All of the above factors mentioned in the Gemora, including Bas Ploni – the person who will be one’s life partner – are integral components in enabling an individual to achieve the specific purpose for which he was created.

This is where “marriage for the sake of Heaven” comes into play. When a person lives his life with the objective that he must achieve the purpose for which he was sent into the world, he will approach marriage with that role in mind. When seeking a helpmate, his criteria will be based on “which person will enable me to achieve my purpose?” If one becomes sidetracked from what his focus should be, and concentrates on extraneous matters – such as beauty, wealth or honor – he is in effect losing sight of the purpose for which marriage was created. The Heavenly voice that declares “Bas Ploni to Ploni” is saying that each partner has the potential to enable the other to achieve the ultimate purpose for which he and she were created. Herein lies the deeper meaning of the pasuk, “It is not good for Man to be alone.” While alone, a person cannot achieve this ultimate purpose; it is only the proper helpmate who can bring him to this goal.

It was for this reason that Avraham Avinu, despite having entrusted Eliezer with his entire spiritual and material fortune, insisted that he swear “by the G-d of Heaven and Earth,” when seeking Yitzchak’s intended wife.

The realm of shidduchim is the point where heaven and earth meet. The ultimate purpose for which each and every person was created has been decreed in heaven, but it is on earth that it must fulfilled, with the help of the proper helpmate. Heaven has decreed how he will be able to achieve his purpose on earth.

If Eliezer did not swear, and Yitzchak did not get the wife who was right for him, Yitzchak might not have fulfilled his own purpose, and as a result, Klal Yisroel as a whole would ultimately not achieve the purpose that Hashem had designed for them.

That is why Hashem created Chava, the first woman, from Adam himself. Each spouse must be able to completely understand the other, as if they were part of a larger unit. Without this deep, inner connection and innate understanding of one another, they would not be capable of achieving completion, reaching their ultimate purposes.

When seeking proper life partners for ourselves and our children, let us bear in mind the Torah’s lessons on shidduchim: to seek a partner for the sake of Heaven. Let us focus on finding the person with whom one will be able to accomplish here on earth the purpose that was predestined for each in Heaven.

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