The Shidduch Process
Now You Say it,
Now You Don't

So here you have it – the paramedic’s guide to neurosurgery. Yes, that is precisely what a concise summary of Hilchos Lashon Hara regarding shidduchim is like. In deciding when to speak up, what information to disclose, precise choice of words, and even tone of voice, one may very well be affecting the lives of individuals and families for years to come. The most subtle nuance – even unintended – could seal one’s fate for a lifetime. No article – nor even an entire sefer, for that matter – could possibly take the place of consultation with a competent, sensitive, experienced rav. The purpose of this article is merely to call attention to several basic guidelines that must not be overlooked by anyone involved in a shidduch in any capacity. And to alert the reader when to consult a Rav, and on which issues.

1. Suggestions and Advice: Eitza Hogennes

The first principle to keep in mind with regard to shidduchim is the commandment “Lifnei iver lo sitten michshol – not to cause the blind to stumble”; or as Chazal interpret it – don’t give bad advice (eitza she’eina hogennes). For the shadchan or advisor, that means neither suggesting nor promoting a shidduch that one does not believe the party he is speaking to would be interested in, were they made aware of all pertinent information. In the case of a parent or the prospective chassan or kalla, it would be wrong to request that a shidduch be arranged with a party who – if properly informed – would not choose to be involved.

According to the Chofetz Chaim, this is true even when the information in question does not necessarily reflect on the appropriateness of the shidduch. One does not suggest a shidduch to a family that is known to be especially particular about yichus, withholding the fact that the prospective’s grandfather was a well-known apikores. Instead, after explaining the situation, one could proceed to point out that some of Klal Yisroel’s most prominent families have favored character over genealogy…. Rather than truncate a decade or two off the prospective partner’s age, one could attempt to show that the person in question is exceptional and worth meeting despite the age difference. (Needless to say, one should not suggest a shidduch that he does not believe is a good idea for either of the involved parties.)

So what does one do when he feels that a bachur has “unrealistic expectations,” is “living in a fantasy world,” and “isn’t getting any younger”? The proper approach is one of reason – not manipulation. Occasionally, a poseik (authority in halacha) may allow for information to be withheld temporarily when there are grounds for assuming that the person is subconsciously waiting to be tricked into meeting someone, rather than admit to having made an issue of something trivial.

Additionally, the common practice of the inaccurate reporting of age is not considered dishonest in a society or situation where one is expected to do so. Not unlike “Jewish Standard Time” on wedding invitations (which for better or for worse has become a fact of life), using the number twenty-nine for a thirty-two-year-old will probably be understood quite accurately in many circles – much as, in those very circles, thirty-two could easily be taken to mean thirty-six. (This would obviously not apply when it can be assumed that the information will be taken at face value.) Because of the temptation to be extremely liberal in applying this rule, one cannot help but insist on having a rav decide the matter. On the other hand, where information is taken at face value, one should be precise in these details.

A serious issue in halacha is that of defining whom the relevant parties really are. Is it right to suggest a shidduch where the prospective chassan and kalla are within the parameters of one another’s standards of acceptability, but outside those of their families? On the one hand, it is the couple and not the families that is contemplating marriage, and indeed halacha does not leave the final word with the parents. Nevertheless, one must consider why he has chosen to assist the couple at the expense of the parents’ wishes. Furthermore, there are those who maintain that although children are not bound by the preferences of their parents with regard to shidduchim, they do not have the right to do anything that could embarrass their parents. In such cases, you must consult your local poseik.

Unlike the shadchan or advisor, who would be violating lifnei iver by promoting a shidduch while concealing information about one party that the other would have found objectionable, the person to whom a shidduch was suggested is not considered offering advice, and would therefore not have to volunteer facts that may be of concern to the other side. Similarly, a visit to a shadchan does not call for revealing information that could interfere with one’s prospects. The halachos that apply here are those of not causing harm to another – which would require the revealing of only issues that could pose a serious threat to the future of the couple should they marry; and midvar shekker tirchak – even when information can be withheld, one may not lie outright about anything that could in any way be relevant. Included in the category of facts to be revealed are physical, psychological, and psychiatric conditions that could interfere with the person’s ability to function properly as a spouse or parent, as well as any serious condition in the family that is hereditary. Such information, however, need not be revealed at an initial meeting; one does have the right to wait and see if the prospect is worth considering seriously before making oneself vulnerable. What is absolutely prohibited is to conceal a serious condition until the point where the other person is emotionally involved and will find it difficult to make an objective decision. (It may be a strategic mistake to withhold even less-critical information as the couple considers engagement, considering the fact that the other party could one day feel deceived.) An individual or family that is aware of a condition that may have to be revealed should be encouraged to discuss the subject with a rav before entering the era of shidduchim.

An acquaintance who is aware of a condition that must be revealed has the responsibility to see to it that the information will be communicated at the proper time, and if it seems that no one will communicate it, he (or she) must do so himself. This responsibility is included in the prohibition “Lo saamod al dam rei’echa – Do not stand by as your brother’s blood is being spilled.” Conditions of this type – whether those that cast doubt on one’s abilities as a spouse, or hereditary illnesses – are to be reported even if the other side has made no effort to find out. Other issues need not be brought up, even when approached as a reference, as there are no objective grounds for assuming they should be reasons for concern. When asked directly concerning some other issue, one must not be dishonest – but one could choose to be evasive.

• A girl on medication for manic depression must inform the bachur she is meeting before things get too serious. If she confides in a close friend that on the advice of a parent she has decided not to tell, the friend should try to convince her that such an approach is wrong – or more correctly, should direct her to a rav. If it becomes apparent that the girl is adamant on not telling, the friend would be required to do so. A sensitive, competent rav must be sought out for guidance on just how to go about that.

• A bachur has a history of losing his temper with chavrusos and roommates, and does on occasion get violent: His friends should have been in touch with the mashgiach who – in turn – would have had to see to it that this bachur get the appropriate help in dealing with his temper. If the bachur has entered shidduchim showing no signs of major change, the friends must seek the advice of a rav to determine who should tell, and precisely how to describe his personality.

In all situations where potentially damaging information is to be revealed, one must be careful not to cause any undo harm. If the father of a girl who is meeting a severely problematic bachur is known to be indiscreet and could be expected to make the information public, he may not be told about the bachur’s problems. This rule holds true even if there seem to be no alternative means for preventing a potentially unhealthy marriage.

This brings us to the most complicated aspect of shidduchim in halacha: How do you find out about someone? If all but drastic conditions can be concealed by everyone involved, how does one obtain the necessary information in determining whether or not the shidduch is worth one’s while in the first place – and how does one protect himself, his children, and his students from marrying the wrong person?

Indeed, zivuggim (pairing people in marriage) are from Heaven. Often, the oddest combinations have made for beautiful marriages. Our own assessments of who is for whom are far from definitive. Nevertheless, a competent mechanech or parent should have a relatively good idea of what his child or talmid is like, what he needs in a spouse, and certainly what kind of spouse could be problematic if not outright destructive. When such a person asks pointed questions, it is understood that these are not mere matters of preference – rather, substantive issues of concern deserving of an accurate response.

As said, questions must be pointed; general questions are an invitation for miscommunication. One man’s talmid chacham is another’s am ha’aretz. The forty-year-old mother of seven has totally different standards for what it means to be organized than does the newlywed. And what precisely do you mean when you ask if someone is “good,” “neat,” or “friendly”? These are all unquantifiable terms for which we are without common vocabulary. “Is he on time for seder?” “Does he bother making his bed in the morning?” These questions leave little room for error. Even “Does she have close friends?” – when asked of someone mature – is a valid way of inquiring about one’s openness to relationships.

Whom to ask is an issue of its own. Ideally, what could be better than asking a mechanech or mechaneches? In reality, many a rebbe or rosh yeshiva defines his role as that of giving a derech in learning Gemora and may not find the time to gain an understanding of all his talmidim (especially if he has many). Even a mashgiach may be familiar with only the more positive side of a talmid; after all, the talmid probably does not conduct himself in the presence of the mashgiach the way he behaves in his dorm room. And then there is the tendency among rebbe’im and teachers to be protective of their students to the point where they would not consider saying anything that could possibly “ruin a shidduch.” If a mechanech is to be consulted, it should preferably be by a peer, colleague, or other acquaintance to whom he feels some level of responsibility.

The obvious next choice would be friends of the person in question. In light of issues raised with regard to relying exclusively on mechanchim alone, it would stand to reason that a roommate or close friend would be an invaluable resource in obtaining pertinent information. Many gedolei Yisroel, however, have voiced serious concerns over the practice of asking bachurim about one another. Not every twenty-one year old bachur possesses the necessary judgment to interpret the behavior of his contemporaries accurately and objectively. Such a reference must himself be checked out for maturity, accuracy of perception and integrity, and could only then be approached. As previously discussed, it would have to be made clear to the reference that the questions are coming from one who understands the issues crucial to the shidduch, and as such are worthy of an honest response.

One could logically conclude that every eligible young man and woman should have a responsible, well-connected person to research suggested names by way of pointed questions asked of the appropriate references. If parents don’t feel they can play that role, they should enlist the help of those who can. Singles on their own must find a rebbe figure to do the research for them, and concerned, capable people would be doing a great chessed by offering their services to those who do not have family looking out for them.

In gathering information about a family, one resorts to networking – seeking out among one’s own acquaintances someone familiar with an acquaintance of the family. A neighbor is not required by halacha to be open with a total stranger about any issue involving the family – with the exceptions of serious hereditary diseases and actual questions of p’sul (halachic ineligibility for marriage. That would not be the case when questioned by a responsible acquaintance attempting to clarify specific concerns relevant to the particular shidduch, where one should be forthright.) One should, if possible, try to establish the person’s credentials. On the other hand, one should be forthright when questioned by a responsible acquaintance attempting to clarify specific concerns relevant to the particular shidduch. It is also necessary to first establish that a neighbor to be consulted as a reference is not on bad terms with the people one is inquiring about. (Similarly, when inquiring about a divorcee, one would not contact the former spouse or his friends and relatives, unless a poseik has ruled that the specific situation allows for it.) If you are the “total stranger” contacting the neighbor, you would be well advised to have a respected intermediary introduce you or make the inquiries on your behalf.

4. Reporting Back: Avoiding Lashon Hara and Rechilus

A most sensitive area in shidduchim regarding lashon hara is the debriefing by the shadchan of the young man or woman following a meeting. When unsure of how to proceed when in need of advice, the prospective partner should discuss the issue with the person he feels is in the best position to help clarify matters for him – whether that is the shadchan or someone else. Having made a decision not to continue with the shidduch, one owes an explanation to no one but Hashem and himself. The shadchan can attempt to convince the party that he may be mistaken and that it may be in his best interest to share his concerns with the shadchan, but unless he feels that is the case, one does not owe it to the shadchan to explain his decision.

Furthermore, if it is clear to the person that his decision is final, he should not tell the shadchan anything negative about the other party without clarifying with a rav that it is important to do so. The shadchan himself must be extremely cautious in what he communicates to the other party. Any negative comment said over in the name of the first party constitutes rechilus – gossip – and is prohibited. If the shadchan feels the need to communicate constructive criticism, it must be done tactfully, to ensure that it will indeed be constructive, and not angrily brushed off as the subjective – and perhaps warped – perception of the other party.

And finally, following an unsuccessful shidduch attempt, all involved must be careful not to allow their frustrations to be expressed in the form of accusations and labeling. Not every shidduch is meant to work, and there does not always have to be a culprit.

After all the investigating, consulting, and intuiting, entering marriage is still very much a mystery; can anyone really know what kind of spouse and parent he will turn out to be – let alone this stranger with whom he is about to build a home? The feeling of vulnerability and helplessness is countered only by bitachon – trust that ultimately Hashem is looking out for us. Going about things in accordance with His will is a first step in enlisting that siyata diShmaya.

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