HONORING ONE’S PARENTS

by Rabbi Yoel Chonon Wenger

Rabbi Wenger is the Rav of Beis Medrash Eitz Chaim and serves as a member of the hanhala in Beis Hamedrash of Yeshiva Gedola Merkaz Hatorah Tiferes Mordechai of Montreal. His article, ”Quality of Life – Revisited,” was featured in JO April ‘01.

Some Irrelevant Questions

Before Moshiach comes, Chazal tell us, there will be a degeneration of derech eretz. Notably, we will witness a lack of respect of sons and daughters toward their parents.1 We should not deceive ourselves into thinking that Rabbis of the Talmud were limiting their prediction to secular society. It is well known that when the general environment is lax in specific areas, the effects are felt in the Torah community as well. It is therefore incumbent upon us to evaluate ourselves in terms of how we are faring in regard to the mitzva of kibbud av va’eim (honoring one’s father and mother). It is not enough to compare ourselves to the rest of the world. We must assess ourselves by the Torah’s measuring stick.

Let us begin with some practical examples as a basis for discussion.

For example:

• When parents tell their teen-age son, who is in a different city, to wear a scarf because of the inclement weather, is he required to obey?

• Are married children required to spend Yom Tov with their parents because the senior generation would appreciate it? If a son selects two beautiful esrogim, should he give his father the nicer one?

• Every Yeshiva or Bais Yaakov graduate can recite the specifics of the mitzva. Kibbud refers to serving food and drink to one’s parents, and helping them get dressed. Yira refers to not sitting in their places and not contradicting them. Accordingly, they conclude that in the three above situations, the mitzva is not relevant. A child far from home, who does not wear a scarf is not considered to be contradicting his parents. Moving in for Yom Tov is not really kibbud. And where in the laws of kibbud do we learn about the kind of esrog one must give a father?

In the following pages, we will show that these answers are far from conclusive. This is a classic case of using elementary-level knowledge to decide serious and complex issues. Even more harmful is that the above recitation of the laws of kibbud is a simplified guide that misses the essence of the mitzva. This over-simplification is the root of a misconception that is common to all of the above questions. As we will gain more understanding about the mitzva and its specifics, we will realize that the questions themselves reveal how far we have strayed.

From Essence to Application

Even after learning the essence of kibbud av va’eim, many questions arise in regard to its practical application, even in the above questions. Our intention is not to render absolute halachic decisions. Rather, we would like to lay the basic foundations necessary for raising the pertinent questions so as to arrive at the correct answers. We must also mention that extraordinary situations, such as emotionally unstable or abusive parents, can affect the outcome. Also, there may be times when children feel that kibbud av va’eim would interfere with their fulfillment of other mitzvos or with their shalom bayis. Although the following discussion will help us be better equipped to understand these issues, it is beyond the scope of this article to do justice to these issues. In all of these situations, as in most areas of halacha, guidance from a rabbinical authority is needed.

The Torah relates how Eliezer, the servant of Avraham Avinu, discussed the possible marriage of Rivka Imeinu to Yitzchak Avinu with her family. Lavan was the first to answer, as the passuk reads: “Vaya’an Lavan u’Besueil…Lavan and Besueil replied” – in that order.2 Rashi notes that Lavan was a rasha in that he replied to Eliezer before Besueil, his father. Recently, a high school bachur asked his Rebbe: Why does such a minor infringement of respect for a parent deserve mention? Interestingly, just a few generations ago, the Ksav Sofer asked a different question about Rashi’s statement: How could Lavan stoop so low as to speak before his father? It is unimaginable for a human being, even a rasha, to act this way.

This deterioration reflects the over-simplification of the mitzva of kibbud – the childhood impression that kibbud is an act of handing or placing an object in a specific place, as a waiter or butler. As adults, we continue to view the mitzva as a specific set of lifeless, unemotional actions. We fail to understand that we are to act this way because of a basic understanding that we are not peers of or equal to our parents. We therefore find it difficult or even unrealistic to demand of a child that he or she remain silent until the parent has spoken. Accordingly, we are quick to assert that in all of the above questions, and many other common situations, the mitzva is not relevant.

Modern education and parenting philosophies have eroded the natural feelings of deference and reverence that children have always had to their parents.3 This has been aggravated by the increase in dysfunctional families, single-parent families, and other debilitating factors. We must relearn the halachos of kibbud in a manner that will nurture and enhance the feelings of respect and love, which are so necessary for us to overcome the obstacles that modern society places in our way.

A Few Basic Points

Let us begin by posing a few basic questions: How does the Torah want us to relate to our parents? Is it possible that the fifth of the Ten Commandments merely requires us to act as waiters to our parents?

Why is this mitzva included among the first five Commandments, which refer to our obligations to Hashem, and not with the latter five, which address interpersonal issues?

The Navi Malachi says4: “A son will honor his father…, and [Hashem then asks] If I am a father, where is my honor?” The Almighty is asking us why we do not treat Him at least like a father. The Sefer HaChinuch5 writes that once a person has integrated respect for parents into his personality, this attitude can serve as a springboard for honoring Hashem – who, after, all is Creator of both. In effect, a respectful son or daughter can progress from the mitzva of kibbud to relate to Hashem in a similar manner of appreciation and gratitude for all that He has given us.

But, if kibbud av va’eim is only an act of serving, how could such a gesture prompt us to think of Hashem as a father? Obviously, the prophet Malachi did not view kibbud av va’eim as an act of bringing food or drink, but as part of an overall perspective.

The Bina L’ittim6 explains that it is far beyond the reach of human intelligence to grasp any understanding of our relationship with Him. Therefore, in His infinite wisdom, Hashem gave us a model, a scaled-down paradigm – a set of parents as a means of learning and perfecting our service to Him. Through this exercise, we are able to internalize the proper feelings and obligations that are necessary in our service to Hashem. We can now understand why this mitzva is listed among the first five Commandments, affecting our behavior to Hashem.

There is an obvious correlation between parents and Hashem. We came into this world and exist only because of our parents. They nurtured and raised us from infancy. If not for them, we could not and would not exist. We can relate to this in a very real and physical way. Our resulting obligation to respect, fear, and serve them – and our carrying these out in our activities – bring us to the concept of service to Hashem.

Now we can extrapolate and begin to comprehend our obligations to the true source of our existence: We become grateful – and express our gratitude to Hashem for every breath and every action that we take throughout our life-long journey in this world.

From Concept to Action:  The Halachos

Let us now explore the halachos of Kibbud Av Va’eim. The Chayei Adam7 writes that kibbud is performed with thought, speech and deed. “With thought” requires us to think of our parents as great, respected people, even though they may actually be simple members of society. Anything less turns our actions and words into “they honor me with their mouths and lips but their hearts are distant from me.” Serving food to a parent is an act of kibbud only when it is based on a feeling of awe and respect.8 According to the Chayei Adam, this is halacha, not chassidus (beyond halachic requirements) nor middos tovos (a matter of character refinement). The Bina L’ittim understood the laws as the Chayei Adam did: If we stand in awe and respect of our parents, if we feel insignificant in their presence, we are then ready to undertake the fear and service of Hashem.

But isn’t this an impossible mitzva? How can we think of simple people as if they were great and important? Wouldn’t we be making fun of our parents if we claimed that they were gedolei hador?

Rabbi Chaim Shmulevitz, zt'l9 suggests an approach: The child should discover an area – whether it be a characteristic or custom – in which his or her parents excel. For example, the child should attempt to understand how parents overcame handicaps (whether physical, mental or social) to achieve as much as they did. Most people stand out in some specific mitzva, i.e. dedication to davening with a minyan, kavana in davening, hachnosas orchim, bikur cholim, shmiras halashon, and so on. Through focusing on those areas, the child is able to look up to the parent and regard him or her as a wonderfully accomplished person. The child is then able to serve the parent, and the service will truly be considered kibbud.

Yet Reb Chaim’s advice might prove too difficult for a generation such as ours, which has become much too critical and cynical to achieve a true appreciation for our parents’ greatness. How, then, can we respond?

The Bina L’ittim has solved our problem. If we could consider the fact that we exist only because of our parents, we would immediately be filled with awe, and a desire to repay them. Let us use any of the following analogies: how does one repay a person who found him (or her) as a crying baby in the forest, took him home, raised, educated, and set him on his feet?

How much would we pay someone who taught us all the knowledge necessary to earn a living?

Would we examine how others regard our benefactor? Or would we understand that in our life, he is the most important person irrespective of how others view him? When a benefactor is honored at a fundraising function, is the level of honor not proportionate to what he has done for the institution, rather than to his standing in the community, or the world at large?

We then proceed from the analogies to reality. Our parents did take care of us from conception through infancy. They provided us with food, clothing, and shelter. They taught us to walk and talk, and took care of our educational needs. They were there in times of illness and distress.

We could go on and on and on. Is it not obvious that every person is obligated to treat his parents with awe and respect? They should be much more important to us than anyone else. Are they not our personal gedolei hador? This perspective is within our reach.

Recently, I came across a postcard that our uncle Rabbi Mordechai Shapiro, zt'l, Rav of Miami Beach, wrote to his parents, Rabbi and Rebbetzin Yosef Shapiro, zt'l of Pittsburgh, after his first visit to the Kosel Hamaaravi (in 1969). The message is the essence of what we are discussing.

Dearest Daddy and Mommy, shlita

Fielding the Questions

We have learned that the Torah requires us to look up to our parents and appreciate them, and that all our actions and thoughts vis-à-vis our parents should reflect this perspective. With this in mind, we can now return to our opening questions.

• Would any of us not wear a scarf that was given to us, or when requested to do so by an adam gadol or even by a prominent layman? How can we treat our mother’s request with any less respect? It is, of course, true that if she will not know about our actions, going out without the scarf is not considered contradicting her. Therefore, someone who chooses not to wear the scarf has not transgressed the halacha. However, unless one is uncomfortable or feels foolish wearing a scarf, choosing to do so would reveal his mother’s importance in his eyes.

• Would we not give up almost anything to spend Yom Tov with a great person? Our parents are special and great. How can we pass up the opportunity to be close to people who have done so much for us? We might feel that we are relinquishing comfort and chinuch opportunities, but how can these compare to how much they gave up for us? Shouldn’t our children be witness to the high regard we have for our parents? How can any other lesson compare to a lesson in appreciation for them – which is a stepping stone to appreciation of Hashem.

Of course, there is a limit to how much one could or should give up to spend Yom Tov with parents. The feelings of the spouse, and relationship with him or her, and specific situations of children, obviously should be taken into account in arriving at a decision. (Here, too, we must emphasize that the final answer is not as revealing as the manner in which the decision is reached. We are trying to help lay the groundwork for the discussion.)

• Would a bachur question as to whether he should give his Rebbe the nicer of the two esrogim he selected? The esrog one gives his father is certainly an expression of the esteem in which he holds him. Although it is not included in the specifics of the action of serving and dressing one’s parents, it certainly is included in the thought.

After the petira of Rabbi Shlomo Zalman Auerbach, zt'l, it was widely reported that he had specified that should he become incapacitated in his old age, he should be placed in an institution rather than be a burden to his children. The public was amazed at this humility and simplicity. Could one really imagine that the children of the gadol hador would institutionalize their father? In reality, all of us are obligated to treat our parents as we imagine that the children of Reb Shlomo Zalman would treat him. (Not that it is categorically improper to place a parent in a nursing home; in fact, Reb Shlomo Zalman Auerbach, permitted it, as we see from his request. Rabbinical guidance, however, is in order when dealing with a question of such far-reaching implications, carrying such heavy, emotional involvement.)

In Capsule

In sum, we have learned that we are required to look up to our parents. We should focus on how much we owe them for all they have done for us. The relationship fostered by these findings will affect all of our actions, and be a basis for the observance of all mitzvos. There are, however, children who are faced with uncommon situations: an abusive parent, an emotionally disturbed parent, and/or feuding parents. Although even these children also owe everything to their parents, it is almost impossible for them to interact in the manner we have described. It is difficult to correlate their relationship with their parents to their relationship with Hashem. The impact of the relationship on their own emotional stability and shalom bayis must be taken into account. The specifics of their obligations under halacha would have to be outlined by a poseik who is personally involved with them.

It is to be hoped that with the proper understanding of the mitzva, coupled with honest introspection into our thoughts and deeds, we will merit the siyatta deShemaya (Divine assistance) to succeed in this most important and basic mitzva. The merit for this is to enjoy dividends both in this world and the world-to-come. In this world, we reap the fruits of the mitzva – children who observe their parents’ respect for their parents will certainly learn the true expression of kibbud. The younger set of parents will in turn see nachas in the respect they receive from their own children.

In the zechus of this mitzva may we experience the Divine Presence in our homes.

_______________________________

1 Sota 49b

2 Bereishes 24,50

3 Rabbi E.E. Dessler described the “new” psychology as promoting the concept that a parent is a friend. See Michtav M’Eliyahu III, p. 361.

4 Malachi 1,6

5 Mitzva 33

6 Rabbi Azarya Figa

7 Chayei Adam 67:3

8 One should not think that this is only a minority opinion in halacha. Although the other poskim do not write the same words as the Chayei Adam, all of the poskim (Tur, Shulchan Aruch, and Kitzur) quote the Gemora that kibbud and mora av va’eim are equated with kibbud and mora of Hashem.

9 Sichos Mussar, p. 74

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