This article was originally submitted to, and printed in, the NY Jewish Observer, with slight modifications.
Communication is a major industry. Politicians, salespersons, advertising professionals and many others have to make sure they can manipulate their audiences by correct methods of communication. The technology available to communicate all forms of, even, falsehood, may make the Torah communicator a wee bit jealous.
But, we ask ourselves, is Torah communication like other types of communication? Is technology meant to be our front-line system? There are many advantages in properly produced books, Torah tapes, films, posters, computer programmes etc. But when it comes to the crunch, the ultimate success comes from Torah SheBeal Peh. Not for nothing did HKBH consign the vast majority of information He gave us, to a Beal Peh transmission process. Writing it down was a late afterthought. Eis La'asos.
The value found in personal, verbal communication of Torah transmission is just not to be found in any canned or printed wonder. The mesorah transmission depends on the father and the mother, the Rav and the Rebbe, the Morah and the Rebbetzen. Millions of our fellow-Jews waiting out there for our communication need contact with personal communicators, if success is to be achieved. Technology may supply a trigger, it may supply some types of follow-up continuity, but the central, pivotal role is reserved for the living human being who is a capable role model and a conduit for the living word of the Ribono shel Olam.
Let us take a look at the Torah's psychology of communication.
We are dealing specifically with adult outreach communication, but many of the principles will also be of great use in other settings and in the education of children. Our key to outreach communication methods will be the mitzvah of Hocheach Tochiach and the comments of Chazal on this mitzvah. It may be right to say that it is also this mitzvah, and not just the mitzvah of Talmud Torah which has to be seen as our mandate for outreach.
Our words are by no means meant to be a statement of halochoh They are based primarily on the halochoh but only insofar as to extract educational concepts from a limited number of halochos. No halachic inference whatsoever should be taken from here. Halachic decisions will need a different approach and much more information than that included in this article.
We start by looking at the words of the possuk, Hocheach Tochiach es Amisecho. (Vayikra, 19 17) Please forget the standard English translations. Look at Rashi (Breishis, 24 14 & 44) who tells us that this word, hochochoh, everywhere means birur dovor --- clarification. (Not rebuke, as often translated.) That is precisely the first stage in Torah communication. I am out to clarify a concept or situation to my fellow. There is great difference in my attitude when I set out to clarify as opposed to rebuking!
Rav Shimshon Refoel Hirsch, on this posuk, differentiates between hochochoh followed by a lamed and hochochoh followed by es,. When the verb is followed by a lamed it means making one aware of something. When it is followed by es it means making one aware of one's true self. And, in most cases, he says, it will mean making a person aware of something which is unpleasant to him or to her. But few people enjoy being made aware of a shortcoming. Still, the Torah gave us a mitzvah of communicating information which by its very nature could be distressing or unpleasant.
Yes, that is the mitzvah. Communicate information which, by its very nature, is likely to put your listener's back up, and do it in such a way that your listener will find that you have actually clarified something to him or to her and will be able to accept it. This says a lot for the method of communication needed, a method which we are applying to outreach communication. If we mishandle the communication process, it is not very likely to clarify anything. It will simply produce a natural contra-reaction and the matter will be very much less than clear to the listener. (Cognitive dissonance.)
Point one was, then, Clarification.
We continue with the words of the possuk. The clarification tochochoh, is directed at amisecho . Chazal (BM 59a)define this as am she'itecho, someone who is "with" you. In the words of Rav Shimshon Refoel Hirsch again, (adapted), "Use of this term imposes the duty of avoiding the slightest trace of assumption of superiority. It implies that the person we are addressing must be made to feel how completely we value him as an absolute equal. It implies that he has quite the same right to treat us in a similar way. The duty which alone impelled us to approach him, applies equally to his attitude towards us." Our method of communication, then, is to clarify with a feeling of equality, not with a feeling of superiority. Few people like to be patronised.
Point two: Equality.
Add to this another factor in the possuk. The mitzvah of clarification is the second point in a possuk which starts with the mitzvah of Lo sisna, "Do not hate your brother in your heart".
Clarification must be an extension of a "no-hate" situation. If we feel any dislike for the person we are trying to reach, the message is just not going to get across. And if the listener thinks that there is some dislike, he is not going to be very receptive either. This paranoia is more common than we realise. Plenty of secular Jews believe that religious Jews hate them.
Says the Zohar (Kedoshim) on this point: "This mitzvah tells us to be mochiach the person who has sinned and demonstrate to him "ahavah rabbah", tremendous love, in order to guarantee that the mochiach will not be punished (by Heaven). So it is with HKBH, 'the one whom He loves He is mochiach'. Humans should learn from His ways."
Outreach communication must not just come from someone who sees himself as an equal. It must also come from someone who feels and manifests love. Certainly there should be no implications of hatred.
Someone who genuinely feels concern for another and that concern prompts an interest in bettering the situation of the other, will convey a sincere, warm, acceptable message.
Points three and four: remove all Hatred; feel and show Love.
The possuk continues, "Lo siso olov chete".
Do not be responsible for a chete, for a shortcoming, in the process. Say Chazal, (Erchin 16), "do not embarrass him in the process". And Rashi adds that the communication must be "bederech kovod", with respect and sensitivity for his feelings. Our self-dignity is very precious to all of us. Destroying a person's feelings of self-worth is compared to killing him. (Bobo Metzia 58b)
Rarely is one to fulfill the mitzvah of Hocheach Tochiach where the price to be paid is the embarassment of the person being addressed.
Undoubtedly, in a kiruv situation, respect for the self-worth of the listener is an essential ingredient.
Point five: Respect and Sensitivity for dignity and self-worth.
The Jewish psychology of communication is beginning to take shape, maybe daunting shape, but shape nevertheless. We are setting out to (1) clarify something, knowing that it may be unpleasant and likely to meet a barrier. We do it (2) with a feeling of equality without patronising and implying any feelings of superiority. We make sure there are (3) no feelings of dislike and (4) demonstrate love and concern. All this to be done with (5) sensitivity for the person's dignity in order to make sure that we do not embarrass him.
We continue.
The Gemoro on the same page in Erchin tells us that whoever wishes to be mochiach another should set his own house in order first. "Adorn yourself first, before you attempt to adorn your fellow".
For our purpose, this gemoro bears two explanations. First of all the obvious one. The communicator must be someone who attempts to behave correctly and improve his own ways. He must not risk being told to "remove the beam from between his eyes" when he tells his fellow to "remove the splinter from between his teeth". Whoever tries to tell others that their behaviour could bear improvement immediately comes under scrutiny himself. And rightly so. "What right do you have to tell me what to do if you do not attempt to improve yourself?" (Lack of Equality). Witness the times in a kiruv situation when the misbehaviour of stone-throwing Orthodox Jews is used as a counter-argument. Essentially: Don't be a hypocrite! The communicator must be a role model. Setting a positive example is the beginning of positive, constructive, tochochoh and, therefore, communication.
We could also extend this idea. "Adorn yourself" with the principles being enumerated for successful communication in this field, "then adorn others". Correct preparation as we are outlining will minimise the risks of failure. For communication to communicate we have to sort ourselves out first, in terms of being a correct role model, in terms of being prepared to accept criticism directed towards us, and in terms of preparing ourselves to be a communicator as the Torah expects a mochiach to be.
"Devorim hayotzeim min ha'lev nichnosim el ha'lev." (Rav Moshe Ibn Ezra) Words which come from a sincere heart - reach another heart.
Point six is Preparation.
Hoche'ach ... We are told by Chazal (BM 31a) that we have to persevere, ... "even one hundred times". This needs a tremendous amount of patience. One may be trying to communicate an idea to a particular individual for years and see no results. Is this an excuse to give up? No! If it takes a long time to communicate, we have to devote a long time to communication. There are times when limited resources will have to be directed to areas where they show most promise, but the basic principle still remains true, Patience and Perseverance.
Point seven: Patience and Perseverance.
Rabbenu HaKodosh told us (in Tomid 28) that when there are tochochos in the world, there is "nachas ruach", a pleasant spirit, in the world. Correct tochochoh results in Pleasantness. It would appear reasonable to deduce that outreach communication must come over in a pleasant manner, in a manner which will result in a pleasant result. Lo hakapdan melamed! The person "who jumps down the other's throat" cannot teach. Why? Because the listener will not be able to absorb.
And that great darshan whose ideas are found throughout shas and midroshim, Rabbi Shmuel bar Nachmani, tells us in the name of Rabbi Yonoson, that whoever gives tochochoh to his fellow "leshem shomayim" will merit a portion with HKBH. Not only that, but a chut shel chessed, a "line" of lovingkindness, descends upon him. Doing this mitzvah leshem shomayim gives a dimension of chesed to the mochiach. Will that not make the mochiach a more pleasant person? Similarly in communication.
Points eight and nine: Pleasantly and Leshem Shomayim.
And last, but not least, when discussing what we should do in tochochoh: when Avrohom Avinu was mochiach Avimelech (Breishis 21 25) about the misappropriation of his wells, the incident ended in a covenant being made. From here the Sifrei (beginning of Devorim) deduces that tochochoh, (correctly done), results in sholom, peace. We deduce that communication must be carried out as a peaceproducing excercise, not in a manner which will result in machlokes and hostility.
Interestingly, Aharon HaKohen is the example of the lover and pursuer of peace. He would go out of his way to make peace between disagreeing parties. He is also the example of the person who makes others improve by befriending them. Those he befriended were consequently embarassed to do wrong, for how could they face their friend Aharon if they did not behave correctly? (Mishnah, Pirkei Avos,1 12)
Point ten, Tochochoh is Peace-producing.
Let us review.
We are setting out to (1) clarify something, knowing that it may be unpleasant and likely to meet a barrier. We do it (2) with a feeling of equality without implying any feelings of superiority. We make sure (3) that there are no feelings of dislike and demonstrate (4) love, care and concern. All this is done with (5) sensitivity for the person's dignity in order to make sure that we do not embarrass him. We (6) prepare ourselves honestly and properly, making sure that: we are not hypocrites and that no finger can be pointed at us; and that we approach the communication correctly. We act with (7) patience and perseverance, (8) pleasantly and (9) leshem shomayim, (not in order to hang another scalp on our belt). And we act in a (10) non-hostile, non-aggresive way which will bind both parties together in sholom.
So far that is what we should actively do.
The picture, however would be incomplete if we did not add a rather passive ingredient.
Silence.
Keshem shemitzva lomar davar hanishma'a, kach mitzva shelo lomar dovor she'eno nishma, ve'yesh omerim, chovah. (Yebamos 65b),
"As it is a mitzvah to say that which can be accepted, so it is a mitzvah not to say that which cannot be accepted, and some say it is a duty."
Silence is a vital part of the Jewish method of communication.
One has to know what not to say.
We have to recognise that our listener cannot take too much in one dose, cannot absorb too much too quickly. (Nor, for that matter, can we.) Even in plain transmission of information HKBH gave Mosheh Rabbenu time to digest one piece of information before delivering another one. But here it goes further. We have to evaluate the listener and work out which point, (usually singular) the listener can cope with and how to present it. We have to work out which points (usually very plural) the listener cannot cope with. Those points with which the listener cannot cope demand our SILENCE. It is not just a good thing to do; "some say silence is a duty, an obligation". Supplying information which cannot be absorbed is unfair on the listener and bad communication policy. One is not exactly making things clear and promoting peace. On the contrary, one can create a back-lash and make the doing of teshuva more difficult in the future.
One should not tell everything. It is imperative to keep silent on many points. We foster the right environment, then wait till the listener asks. When he asks he may be ready for the answer. Not for nothing Chazal made the pesach seder start with questions. Rather encourage a question-asking mood than launch into instruction. It is not always necessarily a mitzvah to speak out!
We practice halochoh in general because it is the will of the Ribbono shel Olam, irrespective of whether we understand it or not. But an examination of these particular halachos, even if only partial, demonstrates educational techniques which will enhance our capacity for communication.
Armed with this information, our capacity to communicate the Jewish way should certainly be enhanced, Be'ezras HaShem.