This booklet is based on the discussions and findings of a meeting which took place in July 1983, involving over 30 tutors from the Edgware SEED programme as well as local and national leaders.
The meeting's objectives were twofold:
(1) To afford a welcome opportunity for SEED leaders to learn more about the tutors and their attitudes, with a view to improving SEED organisation and long-term effectiveness.
(2) To enable SEED tutors to exchange ideas, share common problems, discuss experiences, and to focus on the central theme of relationships between tutor and partner in the unique SEED setting.
This forum was sorely needed. Edgware SEED had been in existence for over 2 years and, as no formal " Tutor Initiation Programme" was in existence, it was quite clear that an in-training session with an emphasis on self-awareness and self-examination could inject a renewed enthusiasm and vigour into the SEED programme in general, and individual "chavrusos " in particular.
Four scenarios of SEED situations were carefully selected for discussion, each highlighting a typical problem area encountered by tutors or leaders, and many other important issues were raised during the course of the session. This booklet is structured around those four questions, incorporating both the views of those present and also the ideas expressed in preliminary discussions by rabbonim, educators and advisers - though the anonymity of all contributors has been preserved.
There may be conflicting and opposing views expressed here. Since the object is not to propose solutions but to offer suggestions on wide-ranging issues, then this seems to be justified. It is hoped that the reader will select those views felt to be most appropriate to the individual situation, bearing in mind that each SEED centre is different and has problems unique to that area.
Although a study such as this can be of help, it would seem that the success of a SEED chavruso depends largely on their personal relationship being fostered between the partners. This clearly takes time to develop and grow, but the aspect of friendship-through-learning, achieved by so many, has certainly helped to bridge the widening gap in the Jewish Community of England.
SEED programmes depend on the time and efforts of their tutors, alongside the dedication of rabbonim and leaders. Working together, Anglo-Jewry has experienced unparalleled "harbotzas Torah" making SEED the success it undoubtedly is.
Jonathan Rabson, Project SEED, Edgware Adar 5744
Overheard from a dissatisfied SEED partner at the end of his study-session: "I felt that my tutor has come with the attitude of converting all the heathens in Edgware - including me" Obviously something has gone wrong and the partner felt he was being talked down to. How can we avoid this occurring?
This is an actual incident reported to the SEED leader, Surprisingly, the tutor's attitude had been one of ecstasy at the end of the evening: "Boy, did I give him a good session!" The conflicting reports of the proceedings that week indicate a break-down in communication, enforced to some extent by misconceptions and prejudice, but more so by a clash of differing expectations on both sides.
The partner felt unable to talk to the tutor about his condescending attitude. Although the question may come to light after the first few sessions, it is applicable to even a long-standing chavruso, where the lines of communication may have long since become blocked. The tutor proceeds in blissful unawareness, and the partner becomes increasingly frustrated and resentful, whilst the learning inevitably suffers from the unproductive atmosphere.
1. Don't launch into learning straight away. You can't embark on an on-going relationship with another human-being - whether business or learning -without first taking the trouble to get to know him. Talk to your partner and try to ascertain what he feels about his own level of Yiddishkeit. Has he come to be taught or to discuss as an equal? Discover your common interests - even if they are purely secular. Find out who or what brought him to SEED. Ensure that by the end of the first session you know his name (!) whether he is married/single/has children, and what his profession is. Even if there is a large age-gap between you there are bound to be areas of common interest or concern.
2. Don't lecture. Let your partner talk. Discuss, and more importantly, be prepared to listen.
3. Don't label your partner in your mind as a "freie yid". This attitude will automatically come across even if you don't intend it to. You may also be wrong. Partners are often genuinely and strictly orthodox, only lacking either the experience in learning or simply the time.
4. Examine the background of your partner by finding out from the leader or the Rabbi who you are dealing with before you start learning. Did the leader choose you fro him or him for you? What is your partner expecting to achieve from Seed and from learning with you?
5. Try to break down the teacher-pupil relationship and build up one of "equals" or even "friends" even though the partner's standard of learning may be lacking. In doing so, you will avoid the adoption of negative role-models associated with teachers and pupils in a classroom situation.
6. Be sensitive to the fact that it has taken a terrific effort for your partner to come in the first place. Much pride may have been swallowed for him to admit in public that he "needs" to learn. Don't let a condescending attitude stunt your partner's will to change.
7. Don't preach. Accept that you have faults just as your partner does. Be gentle, and avoid delicate points. It may be best to delay controversial issues until a strong and trusting bond has been developed.
8. Impress on your partner that you are equally gaining from the chavruso and that you are interested in the subject matter, however basic it is.
9. If you don't know something - say so! Your partner can sense a "bluffed" answer which will only increase the impression that you're always right, and the partner never knows. By admitting you don't know you will boost your partner's self confidence and his respect for you.
10. Ask your partner for his opinion whenever possible. Ask him if he is satisfied with your approach to the chavruso and whether he feels at ease. It takes courage to do, but is greatly rewarding and enhances the build-up of mutual trust.
11. Examine your own expectations from the partnership. Do you expect to be regarded as a teacher/mentor/friend/colleague/rov/chavruso? Do your expectations match those of your partner? This is often the root of the problem.
12. Look into yourself. Is it really within you? Is it lack of confidence in your knowledge and teaching abilities that leads you to be over-assertive and superior? Tell your partner at the outset that you are not a rabbi and you will not be able to answer all his questions. He'll be thrilled to hear it.
13. Don't let the external image of your partner influence your view of his as a person. Don't be put off by his choice of clothes, his brand of kappel, or the accent in his Hebrew reading. Consider the associations your mode of dress may have for him. Are they negative? If so, what are you doing to dispel them?
14. Turn a blind eye! Your partner has his long-held views just as you have yours. You may hear ideas from your partner that offend you or your beliefs. He may also be testing you. Don't over-react and try not to show your emotions. It takes time, both through learning and by example, to effect a change in actions or beliefs.
"We've been learning for over a year now" a tutor was heard to say, "and my partner is not as regular as he used to be. He turns up late and cancels - often at the last minute. I don't seem to get as much enjoyment from the sessions nowadays. I think our partnership is running out of steam"
Can this chavruso be saved? What can be done to prevent the situation ever arising?
In most SEED centres, the partnership continue for long periods of time - up to 2 or 3 years. This can create a situation of special nature. On the one hand there will be the benefits of strong friendship and mutual understanding, often extending well beyond the confines of the weekly meeting. The tutor can introduce ideas with the partner in mind and select texts tailored to his needs, drawing on the experience called from so many sessions of learning together. On the other hand, however, the familiarity can lead to stagnation or even boredom. For the tutor, the chavruso becomes a routine affair, demanding little or no preparation and lacking the enthusiasm and challenge of former times. The partner senses this lack of interest from the other side, in addition to his own negative feelings about the learning, but feels unable to express his concern for fear of offending his long-standing tutor. Instead, he chooses to attend less regularly and places the SEED evening further down his list of weekly priorities.
The partner is in his own way sending his tutor a message - albeit disguised - and it is up to the tutor to recognise the problem and deal with it as quickly as possible.
Although in many cases the situation is never so extreme, even the most successful of chavrusos (unknowingly) experience features of this pattern and would greatly benefit from the action taken to avoid tedium and to renew the enthusiasm.
1. Be prepared! It is vital that you arrive at the SEED session adequately prepared., both as regards the subject matter and the method of presentation - however simple the text is. Your partner will undoubtedly feel worth that much more when he realises you have taken the trouble to prepare just for him, and that you continue to do so. You will derive tremendous enthusiasm from the preparation, too!
2. Don't do all the talking. Encourage your partner to participate and involve him in the learning. Wherever possible, let him read the text, or at least alternate the reading between you. This method can be most frustrating and demands time and immense patience, but is ultimately the most productive and sustains your partner's interest.
3. Make sure you are learning the right subject for your partner (see Question 3) and for you. Don't get stuck on a subject which you are not happy about.
4. Split the session. Your partner may be finding it difficult to concentrate on one text for a full hour or more. He may also be frustrated by your (understandable) inability to inspire him for that length of time. Change the pace. Learn something different for the last 20 minutes/half an hour.
5. Don't be late! Keeping your partner waiting 20 minutes or more every week until you arrive is certainly not conducive to sustaining his commitment or enthusiasm. You are covertly broadcasting your own disinterest in him and the chavruso. Ask yourself the question: Is my SEED partner as important as my business client or colleague?
6. Change the subject you are learning. Perhaps your partner was too shy to admit that the subject was above his head or unappealing to him. Inject some stimulus into your learning by selecting a different text.
7. Generate more personal contact with your SEED partner - both on an individual and family level. By cultivating a family friendship, you will enhance your partner's eagerness and dedication. Does your commitment to SEED extend this far? Don't miss this excellent opportunity for showing your Yiddishkeit alive at home, and for putting the theory into practice. Your own family can add a positive dimension too.
8. Praise your partner as much as possible. Congratulate him on his questions, answers and achievements - however minimal. Remember, achievement is a relative thing.
9. Get your partner to review his studies. Prepare questions for him to answer before the next session. Encourage him to teach a friend or a member of his family. Provide a tape for use at home or in the car. Suggest additional reading material for further study - especially in English.
10. Set yourselves a target. Develop a plan for the next few weeks/months, and know what you are aiming at. Don't rush! Judge your partner's pace carefully and keep to it. Your partner must experience a sense of achievement and be able to impress his family - and, of course, himself! Celebrate any major accomplishment (such as the completion of a perek or masechta) with the whole SEED centre.
11. Be awake! Try to forget your tiredness and enjoy the learning. Enthusiasm is infectious. Your partner is bound to be discouraged by seeing you flop down from exhaustion on arrival!
12. Don't wait for disaster! Watch out for early indications of a break-down in the chavruso, well before your partner stops coming entirely. Is he bored/disinterested/antagonistic/resentful/hostile? Are you? Share the problem with your partner.
13. Change partners! If the partnership has run out of steam then it may well be time for a change. Ask your SEED organiser to implement this. Remember, no-one is to blame if it does not work out well. Nothing can be worse than two people learning together under sufferance. Even if you have been successful, consider carefully the benefits a changeover can offer both to you and your partner; A different attitude and approach, coupled with a renewed challenge will give you that chance to put the "steam" back into your weekly SEED chavruso.
"How do I select the subject most suited to my partner's needs?"
What factors must I take into account when considering the choice and presentation of texts at my weekly SEED session?"
The one-to-one learning arrangement at SEED presents every tutor with a unique challenge: how to achieve so much in such limited time. The SEED session must act as a medium for acquiring Jewish knowledge as well as rudimentary learning skills and techniques (e.g. reading and translation). It must serve as a stimulus for discussion on Jewish ethics and philosophy, and it must aim to provide the necessary tools and motivation for increased observance of Torah and mitzvos. Certainly no mean feat!
Consequently, the choice of texts to achieve these ends is of particular significance. The text often forms the backbone of the SEED chavruso, and the means of communication between tutor and partner.
There are, however, no hard and fast rules on what to learn and with whom - and no consensus of opinion. Nevertheless, some direction and guidance can still be of value, even without attempting to provide a comprehensive analysis of all sforim available today.
Many sensitive questions are raised here: Should we learn Gemorah with beginners? To what extent should English seforim be used instead of their Hebrew equivalents? Can the learning be for its own sake, l'shma, or must it be related to practical observance, l'ma'aseh ? ... and many more.
There are justifications for all sides. Each chavruso must bear these issues in mind when judging the individual situation in order to gain the maximum benefit from the SEED partnership.
1. Ask your partner what motivated him to come along. Give him the opportunity to say what he would like to learn. Establish whether he is hoping to achieve some well-defined objective, or is placing the initiative in your hands. Through discussion, ascertain your partner's level and identify the areas of greatest need. Try to match that direction with an appropriate subject, though it will be trial and error until the best subject and text are found.
2. Don't choose a subject that demands an immediate change of lifestyle from your partner - unless it is specifically requested.
3. Make sure you are at ease with the subject matter. If you feel you must be the expert at all times, then be careful not to set yourself too high a standard. It is perfectly feasible for you to learn the text together with your partner "be' chavruso". Here you can use to the full your wider experience and familiarity with the subject.
4. Don't forget that learning with your partner inevitable influences all those people he comes into contact with (family, friends etc.) Choose a subject which your partner can learn or share with others. If he has children, find out what they are learning at school or cheder. There can be nothing more rewarding than for your partner to teach his own children - the very subject he has been learning with you at SEED.
5. Don't aim too high! Often partners feel they ought to be learning Gemorah although they are not really suited to it or equipped for the discipline it requires. Impress on your partner that the basic texts are a spring-board to so much more and are in no way a sign of inadequacy.
6. Talk to other tutors and see what subjects/seforim worked for them in similar situations. Draw on your own past experiences; Use seforim which have appealed to you in the past and whose style and language are attractive and manageable for both you and your partner.
7. Don't ignore Siddur! Bring shul attendance to life by studying the meaning and message of the tefilos (especially those of Shabbos), as well as the "geography" of the Siddur. There are many excellent seforim on this theme, both in Hebrew and in English.
8. Relate as often as possible to "inyonei d'yoma" and dinim of important occasions in the Jewish calendar. Designate enough time before each Yom Tov for learning the appropriate halachos, as well as any associated texts - Megillah, Haggadah, special leyning or davening etc.
9. Experiment with other seforim on the same subject. If you are not satisfied with a particular sefer, try something different. Use the shul or SEED libraries to read around the subject and encourage your partner to borrow books. Should you vet them first? Does he actually read them? Is anyone at home looking at them?
10. Make time for discussion on Hashkofo and Mussar, though to always lined to a specific sefer. Don't hide behind the text being studied to avoid these very important issues. It will certainly help you to reconcile your own views on these subjects, even though it is initially unsettling.
11. Stimulate your partner on an intellectual level, especially if you are mainly studying more basic materials. Talk about topical issues such as Jewish education and schools, Israel, Reform, the Jewish view on ......etc. This enables you and your partner to voice your opinions on equal terms. Fit it in at the last ten minutes or between subjects.
12. Spend at least one session covering the nature, development, and transmission of the "Torah She'baal Peh" before embarking on Mishna/Gemorah/ Halocho etc. Make sure your partner understands how it fits in chronologically, and which seforim the famous meforshim are associated with. This will help you put the learning in perspective and emphasize the dynamic quality of the Oral Law alongside the Torah She'bichsav.
13. Think about not using a text at all! All you may need is an exercise - book in which to make notes, highlighting details, illustrations and Hebrew terms arising from your discussions. This is an excellent way of adding your own personal touch, selecting only the relevant information from a sefer, and providing a lasting reference for revision between sessions. Implement this idea at all levels, and as an extension to any text being studied.
14. Make full use of the vast English Hebraica and Judaica available today. It seems preferable to concentrate on the authentic Hebrew texts during the SEED session and use the English translations for reference, preparation and revision. Some books, however, such as biographies of Gedolim etc., are best appreciated in English.
GEMORAH Unsuitable for most, though this depends largely on the background of your partner - who may be using SEED as a genuine chavruso - and his intellectual capabilities. Selected "sugyos" may be more advantageous. There is no value in your partner only hearing you say the Gemorah. You must let him say it at his own speed, and always do chazoroh. Through the Gemorah you can convey "Chochmas Ha'Torah" and the unquestionable status of Torah She'baal Peh.
MISHNA Ideal for the more advanced and a good introduction to Gemorah. Choose Mishnayos relating to "halocho le'maaseh" such as those from Seder Moed. Let your partner say the Mishna or repeat it after you. Learn meforshim with the more experienced.
HALOCHO This needs a lot of preparation to make it interesting. Learn halachos relating to your partner's life which are to too difficult to put into practice - e.g. Kiddush, Netilas Yodayim, Berachos etc. Focus on the major and most common dinim and don't let the subject matter become to involved, detailed or boring. More can usually be gained from a few minutes Halochoh every week than dedicating whole sessions to it. Look out for the many more recent texts in Hebrew and English.
CHUMASH/SIDRA Excellent for all levels, covering many different disciplines. It is much more difficult to learn than it may seem, so prior preparation is essential. Many enjoy learning the weekly sidra; don't start from the beginning each time. Instead, select an interesting or self-contained section and concentrate on that. Pick out the interesting Rashi's, and don't forget the multitude of other commentaries. Your partner may be pleased to learn "vertlech" on the parsha for him to say at home on Shabbos.
PIRKEI AVOS Ideal choice for the last ten minutes, and many seforim exist on the subject in both Hebrew and English.
The following type of remark is often made by tutors : "I feel very frustrated. We have been learning together for over a year and I can see no change in my partner's shemiras ha'mitzvos"
How does one relate to one's partner's continued non-observance?
Although it is often heard, the case-study above made some serious assumptions about SEED. It assumes that partners come to SEED with a will to change. It assumes that tutors can justifiably expect some change in shemiras ha'mitzvos after a year; and that they may become "frustrated" if these expectations are not met.
This raises the obvious question. What are the aims of SEED? How is SEED to be viewed by its members?
Almost all tutors have a yeshiva background. This instills in them a basic obligation to share their experiences of learning with others and to encourage the less observant to become more so. The advent of SEED has made this possible on a large scale.
As for the partners, SEED is open to the whole community. Attendance - initially, at least - is voluntary. There are no entrance requirements and no contracts to be signed. There are no demands made on partners - apart from the minimal standard of conformity - and no obligatory commitment to change.
Nevertheless, the partner has considered and chosen to attend SEED. He may be wishing to fill in some gap in his Jewish learning - he may be searching for his "roots"; he may have a desire to find out more about his Yiddishkeit. Whatever his motive, there is a positive interest, a will to move.
There can clearly be no right to demand a change in observance or lifestyle. It is hoped, however, that through learning at SEED with a motivated, caring and inspiring tutor, the partner's will to move can be fostered, enabling him to effect a change of his own accord and in his own time.
1. Discover whether your partner is being held back by external pressures. Is his wife (or family) preventing him from implementing any changes? Would he be ridiculed at work for making demands? Take more interest and see if any influence can be brought to bear in those areas. Try to get his wife involved in a Ladies' SEED programme and generate more social contact all round.
2. Use tact and subtlety at all times. Don't be condescending or look down at your partner on account of his non-observance. This can have quite the opposite effect and may discourage him even more. Show him you respect him as a person whatever his current level of observance.
3. Explain to your partner that there is no such concept as "all or nothing" in Judaism. He may feel hypocritical about making only small changes. Stress that every move upwards - however small - has an intrinsic value, and that "one Mitzvah leads to another".
4. Find out if your partner has been put off by someone or something in the past. Uncover any negative religious experiences in his youth, such as at home or in cheder. Has he been spurned by his observant relatives? Delve into the problem and talk it out.
5. Question honestly your partner's need for a different type of tutor - more/ less philosophical, older/younger, more/less like himself. Discuss this with your SEED organiser. You may just need to employ a different approach.
6. Don't expect the change to occur entirely on its own. Choose a subject to facilitate such a change and with which your partner can identify and become involved. Here the emphasis must be on the practical - e.g. halochos of Kiddush, hadlokas neros, etc. Actually talk with your partner about shemiras ha'mitzvos as a subject in its own right.
7. Don't hide your Yiddishkeit. Let your partner see you making brachos, davening or performing other practical mitzvos, giving them the respect they deserve. One of the best ways to learn is by example - in all senses of the word.
8. Share with your partner your own experiences in overcoming some of the same barriers he may be having. Your partner will be greatly encouraged to hear that you went through similar situations and survived. Shatter any illusions he may have about the difficulty in performing some mitzvos in this "modern" day and age by showing him how you cope!
9. Seek help from the local rov. He will probably know your partner and his family and can identify any external circumstances you may be unaware of.
10. Take the bull by the horns! Don't allow your partner to come along with the impression that SEED is simply a "nice way to pass the time". If you feel he can take it and he ought to be responding to you, then confront him outright. Have a serious discussion about his hopes for the future at SEED - and yours - and even mention your disappointment. Be careful, though.
11. Ask yourself if you have really emphasized the hashkofah aspect of the relationship. Your partner may have some basic questions or problems which have to be resolved before any progress can be made in shermiras ha'mitzvos. Were you really stressing the wrong things? Clear the way for such questions to arise. Remember, you don't have to provide all the answers!
12. Don't forget that any improvement in shemiras ha'mitzvos is relative. It really depends on where you partner starts from. If he is already observant, then don't expect any dramatic change. In fact, your partner may not even see that there is room for change.
13. Encourage your partner to try alternative methods, such as other shiurim and events run by different organisations. Don't regard SEED as having the sole (soul?) rights over your partner!
14. Don't show frustration - however much you may feel it. Don't make your partner feel guilty about not changing. He may be trying very hard but fears opposition. Aim to give him encouragement at all times.
15. Don't have unrealistic expectations from your partner. Don't expect to see immediate and dramatic changes such as shemiras Shabbos and taharas ha'mishpocho. Consider the tremendous conflict going on inside your partner.
16. Don't be the judge! If your partner has been turning up week after week it is impossible that no change has taken place. Chazal say "Ha'maor shebo machziron le'mutav". The impact of Torah at SEED has undoubtedly brought about improvement.
17. Look for other types of changes. Even if your partner does not come to extensive shmiras ha'mitzvos through SEED, there will be so many other spin-offs. His attitude towards orthodox Jews will have changed, as will his appreciation of Jewish learning. Change is not really quantifiable and may come to light only in the future. It may result in your partner choosing to send his child to a Jewish school in later years. Imagine the far-reading consequences that can have!
18. Don't forget that most tutors are not trained teachers and are experiencing exactly the same situations as you are. Talk to people involved in chinuch and try out their ideas.
Be positive! SEED depends on you.
You are its success!