There is a pattern that I see in my marriage counseling experience. It's frequency of recurrence from different couples is amazing. It's almost like a script that couples from all over get a copy of and come to me with - over and over. Of course, many marriage counseling cases do NOT play out as follows, but there is a definite segment in which this very frequent pattern recurs. We keep hearing about the marriages that crumble because one or both are abusive, rigid or "morally challenged." The following will show that we can't presume one partner is automatically bad and that WE MUST STRIVE TO KNOW BOTH SIDES.

The point, however, that I really want to make here is how SUBJECTIVE ANY PERSON can be, even one who SEEMS to want to work on repairing a marriage. Unless both partners are objective, open to change and to honestly facing themselves, and willing to do what it takes to fix their marriage; EVEN GOING FOR HELP IS A SELF-DECEIVING BLUFF AND TOTAL FUTILITY.

The pattern starts with a phone call from one spouse who tells me that there is some serious problem in the marriage. The other, in some way, is stuck in a behavior pattern that is making the caller suffer and/or is tearing the family apart. The caller might be to some degree emotional, sometimes even driven, and sometimes wants a first session to talk alone before both come.

Almost without exception, the other spouse is described as cold, evil, neglectful, mean, irresponsible, constantly busy and occupied, selfish, disturbed and/or steadily ignoring the children; who are becoming wild or disrespectful, or are hanging out with the wrong kids or getting less frum.

When the allegedly "guilty" spouse comes in for a session, I see, with striking regularity, in cases that fit this pattern, that this other person is generally warm, good-natured and sincere. It is the first one's behavior and perceptions that are the primary cause of dysfunction, strife, instability or incompatibility. The complaining spouse is often rigid, selfish, steamrolling, manipulative, critical, demanding, all-knowing, angry, pained from dysfunction in childhood, rude, non-communicative and/or irresponsible. The accuser does not see any fault in him/herself. S(he) will often give EMPTY LIP-SERVICE to how important it is for both to work on themselves. But there is nothing real in it, except his/her wish to impress me. If the accused spouse ignores the complainer, it is because this true victim can't take the way the complainer treats him/her, and needs to escape. The complainer provokes the accused constantly. If the latter reacts, e.g. by getting upset or by going out for a while, it is because of understandable sensitivity and need to get relief or defend him/herself. Then, the complainer uses this reaction to say, "You see, you're crazy/evil." The victim typically is a very nice person who can't handle a mean, pouncing, irresponsible and neurotic beast of a spouse. The victim is sometimes even a tzadik/tzadekess for what (s)he puts up with.

The gemora (Bava Kama 93b) says, "Always one should be the persecuted and never the persecutor" (because G-d punishes persecutors). The Kotzker Rebbe asked why the gemora adds the word "always." The teaching seems clear without it. The Kotzker, consistent with his sharp insight, says that one person can irritate and instigate a second person into persecuting the first. "Always" teaches: don't ever be one who provokes another into persecuting you. THE ABOVE SCENARIO IS THE KOTZKER'S CASE: SPOUSE "A" MANIPULATES SPOUSE "B" INTO BEING A PERSECUTOR. "A" IS THE ONE WHO IS ACTUALLY AT FAULT. But, spouse "A" says, "I am the one who went for help so you MUST BE THE GUILTY/EVIL/SICK ONE." Then, there is often no dealing with spouse "A," due to whom such marriages die or stay unhappy. THE GOAL NEVER WAS TRUE MARRIAGE COUNSELING. THE INTENTION REALLY WAS, "FIX THE OTHER ONE MY WAY, THEN EVERYTHING WILL BE FINE." It is more trustworthy when a complaining spouse says "the other HURT ME" [a historical fact] than "the other IS BAD" [which is a value judgement].

The GRA says that the fundamental purpose of life is full-time work on midos. King Solomon says (Proverbs 4:11), "In the way of wisdom I instructed you, I directed you on the straight paths [ma'aglai yosher]." "Ma'agal" can either mean a "path" or a "circle." There is Hebrew grammar problem, then, in the verse using a term that can be read "straight circle" - an inherent contradiction! I heard in the name of one of the Telzher roshai yeshiva that King Solomon is adding a deep message. A person has a storehouse of all of the midos (character traits) of the human personality and these are analogous to a "straight circle," IF THE PERSON HAS THE CORRECT MEASURE AND BALANCE OF ALL THE MIDOS. If there is too much or too little of any mida (trait), that puts bumps on his "midos circle." Where there is too much, the circle bulges out, too little it bulges in. G-d instructed us in Torah wisdom to lead us to the straight path which is only attainable through an even "straight circle" - the proper content of midos. Only through working constantly on midos can a person live with truth, goodness and righteousness; go according to the instruction of the will of G-d, and live with others as G-d wants from each of us.