THE SINGLE BEST DEFENSE AGAINST ANGER AND FIGHTING IS TO DEVELOP A SOLID RELATIONSHIP IN ADVANCE. If you consciously and actively work together to do this, if there ever should be a "blow up," Heaven forbid, THEN YOU KNOW THAT THIS IS NOT REALLY YOUR SPOUSE: you know that a pressure, pain or external context explains the "blow up." And, you've conditioned eachother to getting along sweetly, bondedly and compatibly AS THE NORM. Your view of eachother has been developed and established as loyal, reliable, loving, devoted, reasonable, good-natured, responsible, respectful, approachable, responsive, concerned, mature and caring. Communicate regularly, so that you become comfortable with talking. Talking will be "normal" so there is no obstacle when you NEED to talk directly. A crucial and axiomatic foundation for all "resolution strategy" to be: a solid, peaceful and bonded relationship. When something blows up, your overtures to achieve understanding and for pursuit of resolution are perceived as credible, sincere and "in character." In marriage, individuals don't win. Only the marriage can. You can DISCUSS but REFUSE TO FIGHT! Don't let things go unresolved, grow tense, add up nor escalate.

Don't EVER let relatives meddle. They side with one party, instigate, get irrational and cruel. There is no law to honor parents by sacrificing your marriage. Keep your differences private, except for qualified counselors and rabonim, when the problem is "over your head." If you did wrong, admit it, do tshuva and move on with life. "The wise person can transform bad things into good things" (Orchos Tzadikim). Never be excited or frightening (Rambam, Hilchos Ishus 15:19). Remember that your marriage, and behavior in it, will have lasting impact on your children, for good or bad. "Who is wise? He who considers long run consequences" (Tamid 32a).

If a discussion gets heated, interrupt it long enough to simmer down. Go for a walk, tear a phone book, go eat ice cram or shovel the snow. Explain your feelings to your spouse politely, because this shows respect for your partner. It says that (s)he is entitled to understand why you think and feel the way you do, and provides a basis for substantive dialogue. Always stay calm and always remember that your discussion is with Tzelem Elokim (the image of G-d), to whom we never have permission to cause pain or damage of any kind. Since this is the person you are attached to, this would ultimately be hurting yourself. When you make this person happy, you ultimately contribute to your own happiness.

As a concrete example, let's say that your wife mistakenly, and with no malicious intent, spills milk into a pot of hot chicken soup. Since the Torah prohibits mixtures of milk and meat, the food and the pot become unkosher. You are tempted to blow up abusively at your wife. Unkosher anger does not fix the unkosher food or pot. Stay calm. Call your rabbi to ask how to kosher the pot. Throw out the soup instead of your marriage. Tell your wife that you love her and that you're really in the mood for pizza. If your wife shows any sign of fear (of rejection, attack or criticism), sweetly assure her that you know that she didn't "traif up" the pot on purpose, you appreciate that she was exerting effort on your behalf and didn't mean to aggravate you. Let her know that the pot is not important and that SHE IS, and that you are happy with her. She probably feels terrible or frightened, especially if the marriage is new or insecure. Make her feel good, and remember, the pizza guy has a slice with your name on it! TO BE CONTINUED with: "Don't Be Stifled, Be Creative! Diffuse A Fight With Humor & The Unexpected."