One of the most tragic casualties of a bad or dissolved marriage can be the children. They are innocent of the failings or incompatibility of the parents. Yet, they can be among the most harshly and lastingly penalized. The fighting, accusing, condemning by one parent against the other can result in psychological crippling that not only impacts them, but their marriages and offspring for generations to come. They will be hurt themselves and will hurt the people they marry, people who they relate to in any number of arenas of life and their descendants. They may very well choose unhealthy marriage partners who play into their neuroses or unhealthy emotional needs. Their role models and influence for marital conduct will be destructive and perverse. So how is a couple to save their children from being psychologically, spiritually and morally harmed by marital break-up?

It is imperative that parents, no matter how warlike their feelings may be for eachother, shield the children from their animosity or any negative impact of their break up. Make it clear that the parents cannot be happy with eachother (in a way that enables both parents to appear to the children to be good). MAKE IT CLEAR THAT THE CHILDREN HAVE DONE NOTHING WRONG, ARE NOT AT FAULT, ARE VALID AND GOOD BOYS AND GIRLS AND THAT BOTH PARENTS LOVE THEM AND WANT TO STAY CONTINUOUSLY IN A CLOSE AND WARM RELATIONSHIP WITH THEM. Never make them take sides. Never fight nor condemn the other parent in their presence. Keep the children out of and altogether apart from your fight or angry emotions. YOU MUST SACRIFICE YOUR IMPULSES, NOT YOUR CHILDREN. In front of them always be calm, positive and rational. To do otherwise may give a fleeting emotional satisfaction or sense of victory, but you can destroy a fundamental part of children that may never be brought back to life. That is more cruel and injurious than your spouse will ever be. The damage will last much longer than any damage which your spouse might ever perpetrate. That fleeting glee or conquest is not worth being a psychological murderer. All children need love, security and nurturance - even into young adulthood. If parents, chass vichalila, split up, if anything, they have to band together more (where their children are concerned) and go further than usual to fulfill their responsibilities as parents to raise healthy, spiritual and wholesome children. The parents have to compensate extra for the lack of marital peace in their children's upbringing and experience, and for the lack of a normal and secure home and environment. Go so far as to say good things about the other parent (remember: the other spouse is your children's other parent!). A major component of any negotiations and arrangements must be the children's long-run best interests. Personal negative feelings must be left out. The other parent should not be precluded from ample necessary and sound interaction with the children (unless the other parent is in some way genuinely destructive or dangerous). A frustrated, hostile, vengeful, defensive or subjective person cannot make decisions in such a subject area alone. A frum counselor and a rabbi should be part of any discussions and planning. Objectivity and competent guidance must be assured and maintained the entire time.

Keep life for your children as normal as possible. Be emotionally nurturing. Spend quality time with them, in activities that will assure them that thay have what other children have. Make them know solidly that they have two parents, even though those parents can't have a marriage with eachother. The separation of the parents should never send a message that the children are separated from the parents. Even if the non-custodial parent moves a distance away geographically, (s)he should never move away mentally. Stay in touch. Keep a regular schedule of phone and in-person contact. Send the message that the parent-child relationship is undiminished. By backing that message up steadily, you will be showing a great act of love which will create short-run benefits for your children as well as long-run benefits FOR THEM AND THEIR CHILDREN.