Finding
Your Zivug (Mate)
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It is one thing when shadchanim set people up on dates that do not lead to marriage. It is another when the date has no basis in fact and is blockheaded, frustration and a pointless waste of time, money and hope. No shadchanim can guarantee a match but they should be able to assure due consideration before proposing any match. It is an insult to singles to set them up and torture them with a meeting that has no basis and makes no sense from start to finish. The reasons can vary: laziness, inadequate deliberation, erroneous criteria, misleading, arbitrariness and plain stupidity. Those familiar with my weekly "box" may have seen the installments with true "horror stories" in dating and matchmaking, more often than not due to an inept or self-serving shadchan. I set out here to provide GENUINE CRITERIA AND PRIORITIES TO USE IN MAKING SHIDDUCHIM WHICH HAVE REASONABLE CHANCES FOR BEING HAPPY, PEACEFUL AND LASTING. The Torah, in Shma Yisroel (Deut. 6:5), says that G-d commands us to love Him with all our laiv (heart), nefesh (personality) and mi'ode (externals). Since it is good enough for G-d to tell us to love Him with these three elements in this sequence, I hold it to be fundamental for every form of true love. Therefore, the first criteria for considering (never mind conducting) a relationship is that the first priority must be the issues of the heart (midos, character and values). Here is the innermost essence of the person and the foundation of who and how good the person truly is. The personality comes second. Here are the individual "kochos hanefesh" which express the qualities of the heart and create linkage between the inner-person and outside world; the personality, emotions and talent. The externals come last (looks, wealth, status). EACH LEVEL BUILDS ON THE NEXT IN SEQUENTIAL AND PRIORITY ORDER. The first and foremost consideration MUST be the qualities and issues of heart. Unless you can ascertain that the person has a good heart and excellent midos, is kind and honorable, has correct values and hashkofos; you don't even go on because there is nothing "relational" to work with or rely on. Better to leave someone single than to impose his/her destructive, disturbed or immature treatment on an unsuspecting and innocent spouse who deserves a real mate. The second level can be more subtle and confusing because nefesh is also in the person, but it is not at the core, as the heart is. A person can have great nefesh elements (e.g. professional, personable, humorous, artistic) but can still be a two-legged animal without a fine and cultivated heart. In fact, a talented and capable bad-hearted person can be down-right dangerous, even if the person, in public, is attractive and cute to the opposite gender. Nefesh provides a means of externalizing and characterizing the heart with your individuality and strengths; but focus on how good a heart is under that fun, witty and interesting musical genius. Is the person an irresponsible, unprincipled and cruel deadbeat or a "lomed-vov-nik (angel)" - in the heart? Mi'ode, the third level in shidduchim, must be the least priority. Wealth, status and looks are good if they are there, but these are not what a marriage depends on. These are not the actual person, and we know that Avos tells us that any love which is dependent upon something will not endure. If a shadchan asks you what furniture or eye color you want, or if the shadchan is ever rude or pushy, run out of there and don't even let her finish her sentence! Tell each shadchan clearly that you are makpid (stringent) on emmess (truth) and that you are not at all open to misrepresentation by omission or commission, nor exaggerations and vague generalities. I advise only accepting shidduchim that the shadchan demonstrates reasonable and first-hand knowledge of. Discuss what you want a couple to value, respect, understand, appreciate, care for in and give to one another. Life goals and mission are crucial. What "turns you off?" Rabbi Elchonon Wasserman said that a shidduch should be attractive, good-natured and healthy. The Steipler said that you should not select someone without good midos - who will apply them in practical every day living (e.g. taking good care when the other is sick). Are your criteria for choosing someone a true basis for a lasting relationship; backed up by realistic expectations, self-awareness and behavior patterns? What criteria for your mate-search should be negotiable or subject to re-evaluation? Think of your "track record," the consequences of your views and choices, and of long run. |