One of the things I constantly study when I do counseling is where the root of problems lie. One common theme that I often see among single and "already married" people is: where mistakes are made in the courting and mate-selection process.

Singles who come to me for counseling (including divorced and widowed) are concerned about problematic dating, how to select a good match, relating behavior, making or repeating mistakes, breaking their unworkable patterns, potential durability of a marriage, discovering a phoney or a troubled person, etc.

Chasidim use the "Bashow" procedure and heavy investigation, instead of dating. The portion of this series of articles which pertains to investigation while on dates applies to non-Chasidim who date. The other portions (e.g. about obtaining and verifying information, acquiring and evaluating evidence of dysfunction in a shidduch or his/her family, determining what is lashon hora vs. necessary to speak about, etc.) applies to those of all customs.

Every person is an individual, so I never like generalizations. From my counseling experience, it is very common for those who grow up exposed to dysfunction of any kind to be impacted by it. If the negative behavior was between the parents, the child can learn to relate to a relationship partner the way he saw his parents relate. If, as a young person, he saw dysfunction between parent and child, he can be trained that way too (learning distorted and destructive ideas and behavior about how to treat and raise one's children).

Often, the impact can be in terms of "emotional association," so the relationship between the person's history and his behavior might be less seemingly direct or obvious, and it might require professional training to recognize. However, people grow up to understand reality according to their perception of their upbringing. Some people are deep enough to see that destructive behavior is not an option and they decide that they will not treat a spouse or child abusively BUT, they might manifest this in extreme or distorted ways that can be unhealthy in some other aspect. For example, they may go to another extreme; or turn off and be emotionally unavailable to a spouse or children because of fear of failure, insecurity, defense against inner trauma or as if "doing nothing means I do nothing wrong."

For example, a grown up can be a workaholic so he provides generously for his children - but is never there for them emotionally or is constantly not physically present when the child needs a parent there. He has not stopped his family's "tradition" of emotional starvation of its children. HE HAS ONLY SWITCHED ITS MANIFESTATION FROM EMOTIONAL ABUSE TO EMOTIONAL DEPRIVATION. HE HASN'T ESCAPED HIS HISTORY. HE HAS JUST MODIFIED ITS EXPRESSION. His children could grow up to pursue dysfunctional or futile relationships. I had a case in which a young woman sought dysfunctional men, one after the other, because she desperately needed to feel validated, since her "nice" but workaholic father was never there for her. Her father provided for her materially but she was starved for love and self-worth. All of her father's money didn't address this for her. By trying to "rescue" losers who were incapable of love or commitment, she hoped to earn or extract a man's love and recognition for her. It was unattainable and she ran from futile relationship to futile relationship. She emotionally associated dysfunctional men with her own intense and misguided quest for meaning and her intense need for emotional fulfillment and self-concept.

Often, it takes deep therapeutic counseling to heal and resolve such issues, and this only is possible in any real way when there is more motivation to change than to maintain one's habits and patterns. When this happens, it is often, unfortunately, after the person has had one or more seriously painful and disappointing relationship failures. If it is catastrophic enough, the person is forced to see that what they do and the partners they select don't work out, and they have to reconsider and explore what is going on within. This takes enormous internal strength.

I find as a counselor that people from troubled backgrounds typically bring childhood trouble with them to their being a spouse or parent. But if a person is motivated, substantial, honest and courageous enough; they can fix their issues; learn what is wrong and unhealthy; and become satisfactory as spouse and parent. But, generally it takes hard, painful and persevering work. The percentage of people who actually complete and succeed in their work in these areas is not very large, as a matter of making healthy and successful marriages and homes. To be continued.