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CONTEMPORARY MARRIAGE: TO HAVE GOOD RESULTS, THE PREPARATION MUST BE GOOD
- Thursday, May 17, '01 - Parshas Behar/Bechukosai 5761

It would be a major step forward if Torah schools could emphasize training children on the impact their behavior has on others. By designing examples from every life scenario, suited to each of various age groups, children and adolescents can be sensitized to other people. If you were on line at a store or post office and someone shoved in front of you, how would you feel? If your parent needed to drive you to the doctor and someone parked in front of your driveway, or double-parked and trapped your car, what might happen if the sickness were serious? If someone brought an extra nice nosh to school and you couldn't have any, how would it make you feel? Rashi [Shabos 88b] tells us that when person A acts from love for B, A goes with a perfect heart, relying on B, that B will never steer A wrong with a thing A cannot withstand. This imposes major responsibility on those who would be loved; to be trustworthy, considerate and kind. In other words, the price for having someone love one is to never hurt, burden or mislead anyone who loves him/her.

Children can be taught the value of chesed. I know one teenage girl from a family of eight. Her mother was sick on a Friday and she stayed home from school to cook for shabos. Since she herself was not sick, she was threatened with expulsion from her Torah school for missing the day! She was told she has no business missing school because her mother was sick! THAT SCHOOL IS SICK! If she is not being educated to do MITZVOS DE'ORAISAS OF CHESED AND KIBUD AV VE'AIM, who needs that "Torah school"? Children should be taught to look for and sensitively recognize needs and feelings in other people; to learn to see the importance of other people and their feelings; to think resoursefully how to do helpful, sweet, kind things for others; on a steady basis and with a pleasant attitude. Tell each child specifically to bring in a special nosh the next day, just so each can give it away to another. Raise the sophistication level of the chesed exercises as the age and understanding level of the children goes up. I once dovened shachris in a certain minyan. Two people got into a shouting match over whether to say Tachanun. Why is a nasty and disruptive fight more justifiable than peace, derech eretz, ahavas rayim, holiness of the place and asking a shaala? People do not have straight priorities today.

Lashon hora is any evil speech that can harm or degrade a person without halachicly justified beneficial purpose, especially when based on hearsay rather than being a VERIFIED misdeed that you WITNESSED AND INTERPRETED PERFECTLY yourself. Even neutral talk, or something said in public, that can have a bad interpretation, can be lashon hora. Children grow up with a tendency to talk about others ("I'm telling on you") and some never outgrow the grip of this destructive trait. Mouths can ruin a person's life - for example, keeping one from getting into a yeshiva, killing a valid shiduch or work opportunity. The Vilna Goan said that the mouth may only be used for good purposes such as Torah, kindness, peace, dovening, etc. The Chafetz Chayim writes that one risks up to 34 de'oraisa sins with a word of loshon hora against a fellow Jew. Schools should not condone loshon hora and should have practical group exercises on how to overcome this epidemic.

Derech eretz is an aspect of Judaism, and prerequisite of Torah observance, that few people seem able to define. "Being nice." "Having manners." But what do these mean in "real life?" Parking so you trap another, shoving on a line, putting on your talis so the strings whip the next person's eye, talking during davening? Did you know that there are two tractates and at least 200 various Chazals about derech eretz? It is discussed in rishonim and seforim. It is the basis for many practical halachos. How does one "do derech eretz?" In my tape series, I have three 90 minute tapes on it (four and a half hours), so it certainly can be defined and taught. Schools should have regular training in it, so that this and subsequent generations will know! Pela Yoetz includes being sweet, not imposing on people, honoring and pleasing others, and constant study about it, on a long list of elements of derech eretz.

Good midos (character and personality traits) and a lev tov (good heart) are the foundation of all good. Without a solid foundation in midos and a good heart, one has no real Yiddishkite. These also must be the focus of much more emphasis, especially in the formative years, with strong reinforcement throughout life. There must be steady, serious and systematic training in mussar to develope students of every age into solid, warm, gentle, honest and good-natured Torah Jews. Exercises and studies must be implemented so people are ready to spontaneously and properly respond to the tests and demands of practical life. When students leave the cacoon of their schools and parents' homes, they will find out that "real life" proves who they really are.