2. REAL COMMUNICATION. The communication must be comfortable and productive. The shadchan must be receptive to the single's reality and priorities.

3. REAL PERSON. The shadchan must take enough time to get to know the single as a unique individual; without superficiality, impositions of the shadchan's agenda or assumptions or sweeping generalizations.

4. CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICISM. Since some singles do not know themselves or how unrealistic their expectations may be, the shadchan may have valid and constructive criticism. However, Torah law requires that it be delivered with concern, warmth, respect, tact and softness. If the criticism cannot be properly administered, it may not be given at all.

5. DILIGENT RESEARCH TO "DAMAGE-PROOF" A MATCH. Jewish law prescribes priorities and criteria for finding a suitable mate. The internal qualities are of highest priority, the surface matters are subsidiary. Candidates must be prepared for the mature responsibilities of marriage, functional (in psychological and practical terms), mentshlach (fine, honorable and decent as human beings). If a person can be a cause of damage to a marriage partner; is untrustworthy, cruel, irresponsible, abusive, antagonistic, rude, insolent or unstable; call a known rov before making a match. Reasonable and diligent research must be made, since every single represents him/herself as wonderful. Err on the side of getting more (not fewer) references and check not only for reliable and meaningful data; check for inconsistencies and fabrications. Lives are at stake, children stand to be emotionally crippled, future generations stand to be burdened by the societal ills of dysfunctional and broken families. Much of this can be avoided by competent and responsible matchmaking. The shadchan must have a reasonably reliable and honest knowledge of each single.

6. DON'T PRESSURE. The good shadchan does not pressure, impose his taste or will, rush or manipulate a single. The single's intuitive feel must be given weight. If the single doesn't like a match enough to want to marry, that cannot be disrespected. Some people can use some mild prodding or dialogue about the match. Look first and foremost at the prospects for a successful and lifelong marriage, minimizing the chance for a marriage that is shortlived and destructive.

7. MUTUAL AVAILABILITY. Return phone calls or be reasonably accessible to receive them. The single and the matchmaker must both be available or there is no basis for any practical working relationship. When you don't have a match at the time, tell the single how often to keep in touch (different shadchanim vary).

8. HAVE A VALID CASE. Be able to articulate the attributes or basis for recommending a match. This must be substantive and specific. To say that two unstable, rude or dysfunctional people "have something in common so it should work out" is superficial and destructive. Convey that your thought went into it and why it should succeed. This is not accomplished until the single agrees that the criteria are meaningful, valid and indicate a reasonable prospect for a marriage that can last. Never be evasive or vague. Never use generalizations nor impose your priorities or taste. Remember the difference between answering a question and negating it. Have answers. Don't be judgmental, arrogant or rejecting.

9. BE SCRUPULOUSLY HONEST. This includes: no substantive omissions, shtick or deception. If someone thinks he is marrying A and you are delivering B, the marriage may be subject to annulment or you may have an avaira or enemy on your hands who you would be better off without. For example, do not misrepresent health, age or psychological condition. Be more interested in success and integrity then the "scorecard." Quality counts more than quantity. Lasting and happy marriages count. Round-trip tickets into and out of marriage don't. If a divorce is attributed to the absence of competence or integrity on the part of the shadchan, it is a blight on that shadchan, who should be chased out of the profession; like an accountant who keeps getting clients jailed by the I.R.S., an engineer whose bridges keep falling into the river, a surgeon who maims more patients than he heals or a plumber who keeps flooding his customer's homes.