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TRYING TO UNDERSTAND SUFFERING ON THE WAY TO FINDING YOUR MATE
- Thursday, April 5, '01 - Parshas Tzav 5761

Suffering and hardship are difficult and perplexing subjects. Even though the Torah does not explain why all suffering exists or is just, many Torah sources give some insight which can help guide or strengthen us. Here are some examples, primarily from midrashim and gemoras.

After Esav threatened to kill Yaakov, Rivka told Yaakov to flee to her brother Lavan 500 miles away until danger would pass. The Torah says "Vayaitsay Yaakov [and Yaakov went out]." The midrash says something awesome. The Torah means "AND YAAKOV WENT OUT - TO GET MARRIED." Yaakov bought the birthright from Esav and acquired the blessing of the firstborn, provoking Esav. By this time, Esav had proven himself a murderer, so a death threat from him was serious. Yaakov had genuine trouble, and reason to flee. Chazal are telling us, however, that all the trouble which happened to Yaakov was to push him to where he would meet his mate. He may have comfortably kept looking in Kena'an, looking high and low. There was no one for him to marry there. Had he not had all the trouble with Esav, FORCING HIM TO LEAVE, he would not have gotten married.

An elderly couple was phenominally poor as well as phenominally kindhearted. They had nothing to offer guests except the milk and cheese from their cow, their only source of sustenance. Eliyahu Hanovi and Yehoshua Ben Levi were traveling and the kind old couple very warmly invited them overnight. In the morning the cow died and the elderly couple, now with no livelihood of any kind, cried bitterly at their suffering. After leaving the couple, Eliyahu explained Heaven's justice to Yehoshua Ben Levi. That morning was when the wife was destined to die. In the merit of their kind mitzvos, Heaven changed the decree so that the cow would die, but the couple would still have many years of life together (midrash).

Rabbi Akiva was traveling. At the end of the day he came to a town and requested lodging at its inn. He was told that there is no place and was thrown out nastily. He camped in the forest just outside of town. During the night, the donkey he used for riding and the rooster he had that woke him up died, and the candle with which he learned Torah was extinguished by wind. He accepted these hardships calmly. Then, a band of theives came, plundered the town and killed everyone in it. Had Rabbi Akiva been there, or had he been seen or heard due to his light or animals, he too would have been robbed and killed. Rabbi Akiva said, "All which compassionate G-d does is for the good." (gemora Brachos)

Rabbi Yochanon fell seriously ill and could not find a cure. Rabbi Chanina went to visit him, give him his hand and this cured him. Rabbi Yochanon was holy enough to cure himself. The gemora learns that a person can not alone free himself from his suffering but if he gets help, this can save him.

After the Jewish people left Egypt, Amalek attacked from behind, killing the weak, sick and elderly stragglers. After brutal slavery, does it not seem cruel or unjust that the Jewish people were attacked from behind unprovoked? The attack was at a place called "Refidim," which the midrash says is an abbrviation for "rofu yedaihem midivray Torah [they weakened their Torah learning.]"

Amalek was the opposite of what G-d wants in the world. This perverse, evil nation wants "hefkairus (chaos)" with no rule of law and no recognition of G-d. The entire world heard about the splitting of the Reed Sea and everyone at that time knew there was G-d, Creator of Heaven and earth. Amalek stood for abandonement and mockery of G-d, law and order, morals and discipline.

The Jewish people in the desert had just demanded bread and meat of G-d; asking in a rude, presumtuous manner. Rashi points out that the brutal attack by Amalek is positioned in the Torah right after the story of G-d providing the needs of the Jewish people in the desert. The Jewish people were ingrates and came to G-d with arrogant and impudent demands. G-d is happy to protect us and to provide our needs, if we approach Him with humility, honor and trust.

The Jewish people lost their grip on Torah (midrash), they stopped learning, their spirituality weakened, they approached G-d from the vantage point of demands and "entitlements," they were disrespectful and they abandoned the will of G-d. It was mida kinegged mida [measure for measure] that they were attacked by a nation which is rude and characterized by abandonment of the will of G-d.

The nation regrouped and went to war against Amalek. Moshe stood on a hill and lifted his hands towards Heaven. The Jewish people looked upwards to their Father in Heaven, indicating tshuva - return to G-d, and won the war. In the time of Esther, the Jewish people were also threatened by Amalek (Haman). They strengthened their commitment to Torah (keemu vikeeblu) and prevailed.

If the Jew approaches G-d with ingratitude, demands and entitlements; if he is weak in his learning and obedience of Torah; then he abandons trust that G-d cares for him, supplies his needs and wants the best for him. He subjects himself to the wild, unstructured events that can happen in the natural world.

MARRIAGE IS AN EXERCISE IN RESPONSIBILITY, NONSTOP GIVING, NULLIFYING EGO AND MAKING SOMEONE ELSE HAPPY. Halacha prohibits causing harm or loss to any one else. Hashem matches two people that they be good to and compatible with eachother. Finding one's TRUE lifelong soulmate requires readiness to do all good which is required to do and not doing all bad which one is required to not do. ONE MUST BE TRULY READY TO BE NO CAUSE OF SUFFERING FOR HIS OR HER ZIVUG. For Hashem to give one's zivug, one must be ready to properly be THE OTHER'S TRUE LIFELONG ZIVUG.

If the Jew looks to Heaven, identifies and does tshuva in areas which need spiritual repair or upgrade, humbles himself, trusts G-d to supply his needs, makes his hishtadlus/effort, has a strong commitment to learning and living Torah and has honor for Hashem and a good attitude; then Hashem is close to him, accepts his prayers, looks to lessen hardships, and will help him and provide his needs.