Often, the impact can be in terms of "emotional association," so the relationship between the person's history and his behavior might be less seemingly direct or obvious, and it might require training to recognize. However, people grow up to understand reality according to their perception of their upbringing. Some people are deep enough to see that destructive behavior is not an option and they decide that they will not treat a spouse or child abusively BUT, they might manifest this in extreme or distorted ways that can be unhealthy in some other aspect. For example, they may go to another extreme; or turn off and be emotionally unavailable to a spouse or children because of fear of failure, insecurity, defense against inner trauma or as if "doing nothing means I do nothing wrong."

For example, a grown up can be a workaholic so he provides generously for his children - but is never there for them emotionally or is constantly not physically present when the child needs a parent there. He has not stopped his family's "tradition" of emotional starvation of its children. He has only switched its manifestation from emotional abuse to emotional deprivation. He hasn't escaped his history. He has just modified its expression. His children could grow up to pursue dysfunctional or futile relationships. I had a case in which a young woman sought dysfunctional men, one after the other, because she desperately needed to feel validated, since her "nice" but workaholic father was never there for her. Her father provided for her materially but she was starved for love and self-worth. All of her father's money didn't address this for her. By trying to "rescue" losers who were incapable of love or commitment, she hoped to earn or extract a man's love and recognition for her. It was unattainable and she ran from futile relationship to futile relationship. She emotionally associated dysfunctional men with her own intense and misguided quest for meaning and her intense need for fulfillment.

Often, it takes deep therapeutic counseling to heal and resolve such issues, and this only is possible in any real way when there is more motivation to change than to maintain one's habits and patterns. When this happens, it is often, unfortunately, after the person has had one or more seriously painful and disappointing relationship failures. If it is catastrophic enough, the person is forced to see that what they do and the partners they select don't work out, and they have to reconsider and explore what is going on within.

I find as a counselor that people from troubled backgrounds typically bring childhood trouble with them to their being a spouse or parent. But if a person is motivated, substantial, honest and courageous enough; they can fix their issues; learn what is wrong and unhealthy; and be satisfactory as spouse and parent.

But, generally it takes hard and painful work, and the percentage of people who actually complete and succeed their work in these areas is not very large, as a matter of making healthy and successful marriages. So you have to investigate very carefully and thoroughly.

When possible, ask your rabbis, rebitzens, mature friends to investigate by obtaining and contacting references. Cross-check information to detect half-truths, cover-ups, deceit and/or contradictions or other "red flag" signals to worry about and further investigate. It is legitimate to ask about a shidduch all that is reasonably needed, even if only for a vague but genuine suspicion.

Often people are attracted to dysfunctional relationships as if people have antennas for relating partners who feed into their issues, often with some kind of irrational and rigid co-dependence and unjustifiable defense of the relationship.

On the one hand, it is great to get out before marriage but it is better not to get in with someone dysfunctional, in the first place.

I do not believe that everyone is automatically entitled to marry. They must be basically free from harmfulness, irresponsibility, immaturity and other destructive or unfair characteristics; as each has no right to hurt or shortchange another. If one isn't ready for the obligations, responsibilities and duties of marriage; one should not be allowed to marry. Unfortunately, it is a status symbol and marriage does not always represent itself in its own right. People want the status, non-loneliness, someone to control or possess, or other irrelevant or neurotic things. As marriage partners, they are deadbeats.

If one finds him/herself attracted to dysfunctional people repeatedly, the person needs professional attention. If one is duped once, the person needs better investigative skills and techniques; and perhaps the help of others who can do some diligent investigation, looking for verification of or contradictions within information.

One must also have a balanced view: there are no perfect shidduchim so each must evaluate what (s)he can live with, who (s)he might be able to be supportive and accepting of and compatible with, and what another person's good points are. Some people have strengths or patience that enable them to widen the range of people they could manage with [as long as the other person is never damaging or neglectful]. Some people come out of dysfunctional homes alright and some people come out of functional homes "relational disasters." Some people are impacted intensely and other are impacted only slightly. You have to take people one by one.