Although our natural, knee-jerk-reaction, is to deflect criticism, Rabbi Avi Shulman illustrates how an individual can overcome this response - and by so doing, enhance his own development.v Rabbi Shulman once davened in a minyan where the Chazzan's enunciation and clarity of tefilla were extraordinary. "How did you develop this clarity?" he asked.

The surprising response was, "As a young man, I shied away from public responsibility, fearful of making mistakes and being subjected to criticism. But this changed when my mother, a"h, passed away, since I was then obligated to daven aloud. My concerns subsided somewhat. I only made a few noticeable mistakes, and they were immediately picked up by a particular group of people."

"After davening, I approached the ringleader and surprised him by giving him a dollar for each mistake he had spotted. I then challenged him by saying that this easy money would continue to come his way for the benefit of both of us. Within a few weeks, my davening was word perfect. This enabled me to develop further in all my endeavours, and particularly in my davening."

As Rabbi Osher Chaim Levine of England points out, "The key to whether we view criticism as a personal attack threatening our fragile ego, or as a genuine piece of advice from an unbiased outsider, is all a matter of attitude."

Tochacha - Love and Responsibility

Tochacha - giving admonition - is an enigmatic mitzva that produces strong and polarised reactions. For many, giving admonition is an unpleasant and even anxiety-evoking experience. We live in a "Mind Your Own Business" generation. Tolerance is idealised and apathy inevitably follows, immobilising us from confronting moral corruption and wrongdoing. Fear of disapproval, or appearing smug and self-righteous, have further dampened our enthusiasm towards this mitzva.

On the other hand, we have all met people who relish every opportunity to criticise, and have the irritating ability to critique and condemn everything that comes their way.

Both attitudes stem from self-centredness and are equally wrong. The Torah obligates us to reprove our fellow Jew out of both love and concern towards him, as well as our hurt in seeing him involved in self-destructive behaviour. The Vilna Gaon observes that the greater one's love for another, the greater the rebuke one gives. Hashem loves the Jews the most; He also chastises us more bitterly than He does anyone else.

I once asked a group of high school students, "who nags you more - your parents or your friends and neighbours?" The unanimous reply was "parents."

"And if something would ever, G-d forbid, happen to you, and you would need constant care, who would stay by your side through the long haul - your parents or your friends?" Again, the unanimous reply was "my parents." Parents may nag their children more than their neighbours or friends - but they love them the most too.

The Gemara(3) states that every Jew is held accountable for the actions of his fellow Jews. All Jews are in one big boat; if anyone drills a hole in his cabin, none of us can float(4). Even in situations where you may feel absolutely certain that your words will not be accepted, tochacha should be given at least once(5) - if not for the transgressor, then to fortify and absolve yourself from responsibility.

Upon embarking on an arduous journey to America in the early 1900's, a simple Jew asked his Rebbe, "what can I do to protect myself from the influences of America?" The Rebbe answered, "you must be sure, in every instance, to take a stand. You will be shocked to see Yidden, who were once completely observant, blatantly desecrate the Shabbos, eat non-kosher food, and mock your 'old fashioned' ways. Even if you are sure that you will be publicly embarrassed, you must state that their behaviour is wrong."

Prerequisite to Rebuke - Pure Motivation

Having a pure motivation is a critical factor when offering rebuke. One who belittles another for a sin, and later lapses in the same infraction himself, demonstrates that his earlier rebuke was not motivated by pure moral outrage. Rather, it was a personal dislike of the sinner. The merit of this person's rebuke is then retroactively discredited, and all he is left with is heavenly accountability for causing needless pain and embarrassment to a fellow Jew(6).

Therefore, when giving rebuke, be sure to have absolutely no motive other than the recipient's wellbeing. It is crucial that the one you admonish feels that your only concern is for his welfare. The tochacha must be given in a very gentle and caring manner. To yell or embarrass the offender is not only ineffective, it is also a sin(7). The Torah obligation to give rebuke is followed immediately by the exhortation, "and you shall not bear a sin"(8). The juxtaposition of the prohibition underscores; while performing the mitzva of reproach, do not turn your mitzva into a sin by shaming the sinner and causing him embarrassment. Rabbi Chaim Volozhiner writes that one who finds it difficult to speak softly and cannot give rebuke without getting angry, is absolved from the mitvza of rebuking altogether.

The Sefer Chasidim advises that before attempting to correct others, one should attempt to correct one's own behaviour, through repentance. As one chassidic master observed, "If you are busy finding fault with others, you are wasting your time. You would be better off searching your own defects." It is perhaps in light of the difficult nature of properly executing this mitzvah, that the Sdei Chemed(9) rules that the mitzva of offering rebuke is different to other types of mitzvos in one great respect: this mitzva is not one for the layman to run after. Only the head of the household or communal leaders are in the position to pursue this mitzva properly.

My Rebbi, Rabbi Mendel Kaplan zt'l, once stopped in an unfamiliar city after a long trip. He managed to locate a shul and waited there for the morning minyan to start. Tired from the long journey, it took all his strength to daven with concentration. After davening, he was approached by a member of the minyan who said, "excuse me, but I noticed that you remained seated during the prayer of Vayevareich David. Isn't it customary to stand at that point?"

Reb Mendel replied, "If you're really interested in my welfare, why don't you first ask me if I have a place to eat breakfast?"

I was once trudging in the snow when a car stopped to offer me a ride. Driving the car were two yeshiva students whom I knew. Asking them how they got hold of the Mashgiach's car during Seder, they laughed and replied, "We made a bet with some other students that we would be able to steal the Mashgiach's car keys and drive his car away without him even noticing."

Afterwards, I approached Reb Mendel while he was sitting in his classroom alone, preparing a lesson. I asked him if I should inform the boy's Roshei Yeshiva about the theft. Reb Mendel answered, "First straighten up the desks and chairs in this room." Perplexed, I began to straighten the chair in front of me. Reb Mendel frowned and waved his hand downward in a gesture that conveyed that I had missed the point entirely. Without another word, Rebbi turned and walked away.

Positive Criticism

Focusing on the positives aspects of the person, and treating him with dignity, are the keys to constructive criticism. Shlomo HaMelech advises, "Do not offer rebuke to a scoffer lest he hates you; chastise a wise man and he will love you"(10). The Shelah explains the verse as follows: "When you wish to admonish your friend, don't tell him, 'You are such a despicable louse for doing XYZ.' Once you have degenerated him to the level of a scoffer, he will despise you and rebuff your reproach. The proper approach is to raise the sinner by telling him, "You are such a wise person. It does not befit someone of your stature to engage in such a behaviour.' This is what is meant in the verse, 'Rebuke a wise man,' ie: make him into a wise man, and then "he will love you" and accept your criticism.

A President of the United States once asked an orthodox Rabbi to give him mussar after committing a humiliating moral indiscretion. The Rabbi said, "Don't ask yourself, 'How could I have done THIS?" (placing the emphasis on the deed). Rather ask yourself, 'How could I (someone as dignified as myself) do this?"

Reproach with Sensitivity

First speak to the offender privately. The Zohar(11) deduces this from the verse 'Hochei'ach' - rebuke privately. Only if all else fails, tochei'ach es amisacha - deride his behaviour before the presence of others. The Zohar says that this is in this manner Hashem reproaches sinners when afflicting them with tzara'as (leprosy.) When it first comes to a person, it is under his clothing and therefore unnoticeable. Afterwards, it is on his clothing, which is more discernible. Finally, it is on his house in view of all.

The Smak(12) makes one notable exception: sins done publicly should be denounced immediately, in order to prevent a desecration of Hashem's honour. From the story of Kamtza and bar Kamtza(13) we see that a strong and immediate reaction is required to prevent one's silence being misconstrued as an agreement. Since the Sages didn't protest about the host's cruel actions, the insulted party took it as a sign that the Rabbi's sanctioned the host's behaviour.

The Zohar also advises that if the sinner is sensitive, one should tactfully avoid mention of the sin directly, if possible. One who has a stubborn or coarse nature should be spoken to in the language he reacts best to. Additionally, one should appeal to the sinner's interests, and bring home the point, based on his perspective(14).

Reb Mendel once saw a boy in yeshiva whose tefillin were on loosely. Rebbi went up to him and engaged him in a conversation about the laws of tefillin. First they discussed different Gemaras, including the reasoning behind them. Then they looked up the appropriate decisions of the Mishna Berura. In the course of their 'research,' they encountered the halacha that specifies the proper place for tefillin to rest.

Reb Mendel once met an irreligious female relative at a family gathering and gently told her, "When you expose your knees, it takes away from the beauty of your face."

Limitations of Rebuke

If you know that rebuke will cause the sinner to hate you and cause you loss of money or harm, you are not obligated to rebuke him(15). The sages explain the obligation to rebuke your fellow man to mean "Your fellow man who loves you," excluding one who hates you and sins out of spite (a rasha)(16). Tanya(17) explains that since tochacha only applies to someone who is your friend, if he is not your friend he should apply the rule of Aharon HaKohen, "Love and pursue peace, love people [and thus] bring them closer to Torah."

Avos D'Rav Nasson(18) writes that Aharon HaKohen had an original counter- intuitive method for rebuking sinners. He would befriend them! The sinner would then think to himself, "Aharon's my good friend. But if he really knew me, he'd keep away from me." These thoughts caused them to repent their ways.

This approach is especially applicable today. Even "rebellious sinners" quite often sin unintentionally, having been misled by their leaders. It is a mitzva to have mercy on such people, and to bring them back to the beauty of the Torah by reaching out with bonds of love(19).

The words of the great medieval commentator, Rabbi Shlomo Ben Aderes(20), are quite instructive and relevant to our times:

"Be aware that a soft spoken word shatters bones, and different ways will clear a path before the people to remove obstacles from them. [Therefore] one must progress from the easy to the difficult, and not attempt the entire package all at once. Theses words are directed towards the intentions of the heart, and you are already familiar with that which is stated in Nazir(21), "A sin for its own sake is greater than a good deed not performed for its own sake."

"...Furthermore, you should know that it is impossible to deal with all people equally. Recall that David, our lord and king, decided to overlook the misconduct of Yoab and Shimi, even though they deserved death... for to everything there is an appropriate time, and ignoring something sinful is occasionally a positive commandment, and everything must be measured by the need of the hour..."

When Rabbi Yisrael Salanter (1810-1883) arrived in a port city in Germany, he discovered that the Jewish merchants who had business at the port, would load and unload their goods on Shabbos, as on any other day. The following Shabbos, he delivered an inspiring sermon on the importance of Shabbos that was perfectly suited to the audience. He concluded the sermon by saying that, "while loading and unloading at the port is necessary, writing is not."

The merchants accepted his suggestion and refrained from writing on Shabbos. After several Shabbosos, Rabbi Salanter offered another sermon in the same synagogue and told his audience that, "removing one's goods at the dock is essential, but surely loading is not." The merchants accepted this as well. A while later, he again delivered a sermon, and spoke of the prohibition of unloading also, and thus the Jews were slowly brought to observing the Shabbos properly(21)

May we merit to fulfil the mitzva of tochacha properly, both receiving and giving it, and thus receive the Divine blessings of peace and prosperity that are bestowed with it.

1. Teshuva 4:2 2. Tamid 28 3. Sanhedrin 27b 4. Yalkut Shimoni Yirmiya 50 5. Mishna Berura 608 6. Shmiras Halashon, Tevuna 17, quoting the S'mak 7. Rambam, Da'os 6:7 8. Vayikra 19:17 9. Dinim 5:20 10. Mishlei 9:8 11. Parshas Kedoshim 12. Smak 112 13. Gittin 55b 14. Sefer Chasidim 15. Magen Avraham 608:3 16. Tanna D'vei Eliyahu 18 17. Chapter 32 18. Cited in Ra'av Avos 1:12 19. Chafetz Chaim, letters 26; Chazon Ish, Shechita 2:16 20. Teshuvas Rashba 5:238 21. Nazir 23B 22. Tenuas Hamusar 1:184