a project of Eishes Chayil

Forgiveness Begins With Your Spouse

It shall be a Sabbath of solemn rest to you, and you shall afflict your souls, by a statute forever.

One day, a person came to Rabbi Yisrael of Salant to describe a problem he was having with a close friend of Rabbi Yisrael's. The person related that there was an argument between them concerning money, and that this friend would not consider a compromise, but insisted on going to beis din to settle the matter. Were this to happen it might cause this other person to lose all of his wealth. Therefore, this man requested that Rabbi Yisrael use his influence with the friend to get him to agree to a compromise. Rabbi Yisrael promised that he would endeavor to help him.

The friend of Rabbi Yisrael used to come every Ehul, before rosh Hashanah, to stay near Rabbi Yisrael and to learn from him. Rabbi Yisrael retrained himself and did not mention anything about the matter to him at first.

Finally on Yom Kippur, when it happened that the friend was the cantor for the prayer of Ne'ilah, Rabbi Yisrael decided to take action. At this time, Rabbi Yisrael finished his own Ne'ilah prayer quickly and stepped back three steps in such a way that he was standing near his friend, the cantor. Rabbi Yisrael stood there patiently listening to the cantor and waiting for his opportunity.

When the cantor reached the prayer, "You separated man in the beginning," and said the words, "so that we can stop from stealing," Rabbi Yisrael took hold of him, and whispered in his ear, "Nu...?" to hint to him that although he was saying this prayer with his lips, in reality he was needlessly looking to take away someone's money. Rabbi Yisrael hoped to show him that he was not acting according to his own words by forcing the case to go to court.

The cantor did not understand what Rabbi Yisrael was referring to and shook his head in bewilderment. Then Rabbi Yisrael explained exactly what he meant, and asked him not to continue his prayer until he was ready to accept in his heart to agree to a compromise. When the cantor finally nodded his head in agreement, only then did Rabbi Yisrael allow him to continue praying.

Rabbi Yisrael felt that there could be no complete forgiveness possible on Yom Kippur until this friend was prepared to compromise. The same is true concerning disagreements with our spouses. There can be no complete atonement on Yom Kippur until you forgive your spouse.

"And you shall fast with your souls on the ninth of the month." Rabbi Chiya the son of Rav from Difti taught, "Do we really fast on the ninth day of Tishrei? We fast on the tenth! This verse comes to teach you that anyone who eats and drinks on the ninth, is considered by the Torah as if he fasted on the ninth and the tenth.

How can eating and drinking possibly be considered like fasting? If one does this on the ninth, why is he considered as if he fasted on both days? Why is this special eating set for the ninth and not on another day?

Most people dread Yom Kippur. They think of it as an uncomfortable and unpleasant day, and can hardly wait until it is over. If you ask people for their favorite holiday, very few would name Yom Kippur.

And yet we know our Sages say, "There were never such good holidays for Israel as the Fifteenth of Av and Yom Kippur, when the daughters of Jerusalem went out to the vineyards to look for bridegrooms." Isn't this rather strange? Why would they pick such a dreaded day to look for a bridegroom? And how could our Sages say that there was no better holiday than Yom Kippur?

If we reflect on the qualities of Yom Kippur we realize that it is indeed a very precious day. Anyone who understands how terrible it is to be burdened with sins that could bring us to suffer punishment in this world and the World to Come would do anything possible to get rid of these sins. Our Sages teach us that the special quality of Yom Kippur is that the day itself can bring forgiveness. So, we see that Yom Kippur has the potential to bring us relief and uplifting which cannot be exceeded on any other day of the year. For this reason our Sages cherished Yom Kippur.

There is only one prerequisite for us to obtain Hashem's pardon: we must sincerely repent. Through repentance, we show G-d that we truly desire the forgiveness that He is dispensing with such generosity on this day. But if we go through the day carelessly, as if it was an ordinary day, we are showing that we are not interested in receiving the precious gift of forgiveness. As a consequence, G-d does not bestow His kindness upon us.

And so, when we consider the great opportunity we have on Yom Kippur to rid ourselves of our sins, we will want to feast with food and drink. But on the other hand, if we would do that on the day of Yom Kippur itself, it would seem as if we were not concerned with repentance, and as a result we might not attain the forgiveness we seek. In order to reconcile our desire to celebrate over our anticipated relief with the restrictive nature of the day of Yom Kippur, the Torah set aside the day right before Yom Kippur just to show how happy we are to receive that forgiveness.

Now we can also understand why the eating and drinking must be on the ninth and not on any other day of the year. It is only this day, when we are most anxiously anticipating our being forgiven and which is the closest possible time to Yom Kippur, which is best suited to rejoicing over our receiving G-d's pardon. We saw above, that if one eats on this day, it is considered as if he fasted both days. This is the case since his eating shows his worthiness to be forgiven. Only one who longs to do teshuvah will be able to have such enthusiasm about the imminent arrival of Yom Kippur. Therefore, his eating on the ninth is equivalent to fasting on both days.

This is similar to the reason why the daughters of Jerusalem danced, and rejoiced and went out to look for bridegrooms on Yom Kippur. They understood on a deeper level that there is no holiday more precious than Yom Kippur. They say that it was appropriate to fully utilize the potential of such a holy day, when Divine mercy was being graciously dispensed. So they sought what was most precious in their eyes, a bridegroom, on Yom Kippur, as they knew G-d is especially kind on this day. They felt that such a wonderful day should not go to waste, but that it should be utilized to the maximum.

Yom Kippur: a Day to Perfect Your Marriage

When we realize the great longing that our wives have for us, this should cause us to be much more careful not to hurt their feelings. It is wrong to return bad for good, and our wives are constantly bestowing good on us. Therefore, we have no excuse not to be kind to them. We must instead reciprocate all their love and devotion.

Perhaps the search of the maidens for a bridegroom on Yom Kippur is teaching us yet another lesson. Perhaps it is hinting that if you really want forgiveness on Yom Kippur, you must correct your relationship with your spouse.

Overall, a person is judged by his everyday behavior, and these acts are the basis for determining in Heaven what kind of year he is going to have. That was the message of the daughters of Jerusalem. If you are looking for forgiveness on Yom Kippur, realize it depends on your spouse. I f your spouse forgives you and loves you, your chance of being loved in Heaven and being inscribed for a good year are greatly enhanced. It is not necessary to put on a spectacular display of big mitzvos on Yom Kippur; rather just work on being loving and thoughtful to your spouse all year round.

Thus, the best resolution you can make for Yom Kippur is to improve your relationship with your wife. It is relatively easy to go out and be charitable to strangers, people you hardly ever see. But it is much more difficult to be consistently kind and charitable to someone you see every day. This is true because being kind to your spouse required that you must be constantly aware of your spouse's feelings and are always thinking about what you are doing and what you are saying in the presence of your spouse.

Thus, it is not wise to make grand resolutions on Yom Kippur that you know you will be unlikely or unable to keep. Instead, settle on something that is within your grasp, such as taking ten minutes a day to sit down and chat with your spouse for the sole purpose of making him or her feel good. Or you could simply resolve to greet your husband with a smile when he comes home every day. These are things that do not take much effort, and if you do them diligently you can succeed in making real improvements to your marriage.

We all want forgiveness on Yom Kippur, but this requires our efforts towards self-improvement. The most important place we can practice controlling our anger and compromising our desires for the sake of others is at home, when dealing with our spouses. It is imperative to work on these qualities so that we can improve our chances of attaining the forgiveness we desire of Yom Kippur.

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