Handling
Anger and Quarrels
Introduction
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The midrash says that anyone who has anger is as one worshipping idolatry. Rambam says that anger is an especially evil trait [Dayos]. Rabbi Chayim Mi'Velozhin says that harsh words are not heard [Kesser Rosh]. King Solomon says that only a soft reply will work against fury [Proverbs]. The gemora [Taanis 4a] says that one must spend a lifetime turning anger out of his heart and working, instead, on becoming gentle. Another gemora [Eruvin 65b] says that a person is recognized for who he really is by how he behaves when angry. The gemora says that there is nothing left for the angry person except his anger [Kidushin 40b-41a]. He loses his wisdom, health and relationships. The Torah commands us not to get into arguments, using the fight between Korach and Moshe as the model for the prohibition. Anger is destructive and impractical - and a major sin. Many fall into the snares of anger in a variety of situations in life. Some get angry with stranger and are sweet with those who are close. Some get angry with those who are close and are sweet with strangers. Some are sweet to every body and some are angry with everybody. It is extremely rare when anger is valid and justified, such as for self-defense against violent danger. In fact, much of the time when halacha refers to anger with any approval, it is only permissible to put on a pretense of anger for instructive purposes, such as for a parent or teacher to teach a child or for a Torah leader to give rebuke to a sinful community. This must be an act, not true anger. Anger is such a serious sin, that Rambam says that an angry person must train himself to not get angry even for things which it would be proper to get angry for. Anger can appear in any aspect of life, such as personal relationships, religious disputes and daily frustrations. Most of the time, the anger, and any strife or hurt to which it leads, is a major and unjustifiable sin. This "Handling Anger And Quarrels" section is designed to give those who want to distance themselves from anger a substantive body of teachings that will enable him to overcome the scourge of anger or quarrel and hurtfulness against oneself and others. The reader is also referred to the section on fights and anger in marriage (in the shalom bayis subsite) and to the section on fighting the yaitzer hora [evil inclination] (in the personal growth/self-perfection subsite). The reader should seek out a rov or rebbe to provide guidance and to design and steadily supervise this and any "spiritual project."
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