This section is designed for those Chasidish, Charaidish or Yeshivish circles who rely heavily on investigating a shidduch, rather than on dating much or at all, due to minhag or chumra.

About half of the marriage counseling I do is for Chasidim. They do not date, they "bashow" (have a brief pre-arranged in-home meeting). I generally only see Chasidim after marriage problems surface (my counseling of singles is generally for the non-Chasidic; e.g. Litvish, Modern or Sefardi). My belief is that all branches of frum Jewry have about THE SAME statistics for shalom bayis trouble and divorce. The "Charaidish" mate-selection process is unique, the mate-selecting difficulties and marriage problems can be unique, and the means of handling these must be adapted accordingly for Chasidim and Yeshivisheh who want to improve their mate-selecting practices and marital success ratio. Their marital trouble particularly pains me because the "bashow" allows so little opportunity to find out who an INNER PERSON REALLY IS. If a problem is covered up it can be very damaging. Therefore, for my many Chasidish readers, here are recommendations (the following can be applied by diligent non-Chasidish too).

IN DIRECT PROPORTION TO ANY CONCERN OR SUSPICION, 1. call more people for information than you would otherwise (the more concern, the more people), and 2. see more of the people you contact for information "in person" face-to-face (the more concern, the more people you must speak to in-person...to get facial gestures or visual signs that may indicate invented, covered or incomplete information, or evasiveness; which would be hidden over the phone). In my counseling experience, much of Chasidishe marriage trouble and break-up stems from untrue, rushed, undisclosed, vague, half-true or ignored information; so if something seems odd, inconsistent or worrisome; believe nothing more than the name and address of the boy or girl! EVERYTHING THAT YOU COULDN'T GET FROM ANY PHONE BOOK, CHECK OUT YOURSELF THOROUGHLY! Call a rov for what to discuss.

Do not merely infer something about a shidduch that needs to be actually verified and known. The gemora says that when witnesses came, if they said, "We did not see a moon," Sanhedrin CANNOT declare the day to NOT be Rosh Chodesh because WHAT YOU DO NOT SEE IS NOT TESTIMONY. If witnesses see the moon, bais din can declare the day to be Rosh Chodesh. ONLY WHAT YOU SEE IS TESTIMONY. THE SAME APPLIES IN SHIDDUCHIM. And, the same way you check out the boy/girl, check out the shadchan! Get references to couples and parents and inquire from them whether the shadchan's work and attitude were satisfactory, honest and helpful.

In your investigation, it is vital to concentrate on REAL ISSUES, NOT EXTERNALS! Some shadchanim go by irrelevant or destructive criteria such as: does the family use balabatish linen tablecloths or low-class plastic table cloths? or does the mother shop on the avenue with a shopping cart (which is not fashionable)? Such questions do more to find faults than to find lifelong mates. A related problem is superficiality in the shadchanus. For example, a man was given a boy's name as a shidduch for his daughter. He called one of my Chasidish friends, who told me that the father ASKED HIM if he knows where the boy dovens, what yeshiva he learns in or anything about his character. My friend said, "How can a shadchanis speak a shidduch and not know such basics?"

Is there instability, dishonesty or dysfunction in the family? Don't be fooled by those who act saintly in public and are beasts in their home. Even if the home has problems, HAS THE INDIVIDUAL BOY OR GIRL RISEN ABOVE ANY SHORTCOMINGS OF THE FAMILY (remember, we have our Jewish people specifically BECAUSE RIVKA LEFT EVIL BESUEL AND LOVON!). Does the boy or girl have good midos, straight hashkofos and loyalty to Torah? Is the boy or girl tocho kibaro (the same person inside and out), eidl (gentle) and temimi (uncomplicated, psychologically and religiously)? Is the person sensitive, considerate and responsive to other people? How does the person handle disagreement, provocation or pressure? Does the person have a good heart and do chesed, and take responsibility for other people in somewhat mature ways? Does (s)he keep his word? Does the youth have a rov for HALACHA AND LIFE QUESTIONS - who the person FAITHFULLY LISTENS TO (not just goes to!)? Warning: some manipulative people craft shaalos to get desired answers; find out if the person's questions also are honest! Does the boy or girl have good social skills, regular and healthy group interactions, and fine bain adam lechavairo (interpersonal) conduct? If you have any doubts, the inquiring set of parents and/or their child should spend more time with the prospect to see if any flaws, inconsistencies, "bad vibes" or arguing come to the surface. If this is unusual in your chasidus, or if you are insecure about a lot of "yentas," ask yourself: do you prefer (chass vichalila) shalom bayis troubles or high divorce rate in your chasidus? or in your family? Don't worry about what strangers see, think or say. They don't live with the misery of marital failure. Worry about: will the couple be good to each other and raise healthy and frum children? I have too much experience with chasidic couples. Their shalom bayis problems are as bad, destructive, painful, disruptive and crushing as those of Litvaks, moderns or others. Break ups or marital troubles have come, for example, from terrible midos, having undisclosed physical or psychological illness, coming from dysfunctional homes whose phoney members act saintly in public, blindly callous indifference or disrespect by either spouse to the other, miscommunication, immaturity, selfishness, rigid denial of faults, meddling family and emphasis on externals. I even know of one Chasidish Israeli who abandoned a wife and seven children and moved to America to sneakily marry another woman (who did not check him out adequately). He had seven more children with her. An Israeli bais din later found him and busted his bigamy-aguna case.

In my experience doing marriage counseling with the Chasidish community, since there is NOT a lot of emphasis on learning how to communicate and relate, the way in which marriage troubles often manifest are by one or both avoiding or abandoning the other. BAD RELATING IS OFTEN DONE BY NOT RELATING. This tendency is intensified by the emphasis placed upon putting an outward and conformist, perhaps even impressive, presentation to the community. This act can subtly train people to develop two separate "selves" - the real inner person and the person they present to society. If a person is truly holding in the same place as his outer presentation, the person can be a tzadik. If the person is not psychologically or spiritually holding at the level of his outer presentation, anything goes. In shidduchim and marriage, this can be a catastrophe. Problems and provocations are not handled, so they escalate. Since the person avoids him/herself, all the moreso his/her spouse. This way, disputes cannot be resolved. Every individual has his own nesyonos (tests from Heaven), tafkid (spiritual job in life) and bechira (free will choice).

I hope that every Jew of marriageable age finds his true basherte. By effectively approaching the metzeeyuss (real situation) in each case and in each branch of Jewish society, may we see each marriage happy and sustainable.