The gemora (Kidushin 41a) says that it is obligatory to see a prospective
partner before any marriage so that you can know that there will be nothing
unappealing that will interfere with your fulfillment of "Love your fellow
Jew as yourself" (Leviticus 19:18) with your spouse. It is obligatory to
marry someone who you can reasonably expect to unreservedly and lastingly
love. Another Chazal (Avos DeRebi Noson, chapter 16) makes an intriguing and
important point about this verse, which more fully says, "Love your fellow
Jew as yourself I am Hashem." Why add "I am Hashem?" Isn't the verse clear
and complete enough? Chazal say to read it as if it says, "I am Hashem who
created that other Jew." You are commanded to recognize whom you are loving
and WHOSE CREATION you are commanded to love! You are commanded to fulfill
the high behavior standards and obligations that G-d's Torah imposes on you
at all times. This is said of every Jew...for your "better half" how much
moreso!
A person is a concrete reality with feelings, needs and dignity, to which
you must lovingly and actively respond, with no margin for error or damage.
That other person's reality - not your concept of that person - substantially
defines what proper treatment of that person is. In marriage, your behavior
must be defined by the obligations imposed by the Torah and the sages, as
well as the reality of the other person as an individual and as a member of
the other gender. That person's taste, feelings and mental processes are
going to be very different from yours. Never lose sight of the fact that the
other gender thinks and operates differently and a major part of relating is
allowing for the other gender's way. We don't say it can't be done. Chazal
say (Shabos 62a) that women are a seperate nation from men. Another nation
may have strange differences in culture, language, mentality and history.
But, two nation can have common goals, ambassodors, embassies, alliances,
diplomats, language interpreting, cultural exchange and friendly relations;
so can man and wife - if they work to understand eachother, cooperate and add
their different talents together, instead of making war. I do not like the
popular (but secular) analogy of men and women being from separate planets
(Mars and Venus). This analogy does not suggest the same common end that a
Jewish man and woman strive for in their marriage. Chazal knew the limits and
nature of analogy. Any analogy from Chazal is perfect in all respects, or
when analyzed from any angle. Comparing man and woman to separate nations
recognizes their differences while providing for achievement of peaceful,
workable and sanctified union together (on Earth!), if they work properly at
it.
From this moment on, continuously and actively (without passively waiting
for opportunities to find you) chase after opportunities to practice giving,
consideration, derech eretz, gentleness, benefit of doubt, responsibility,
humility and generosity - in spirit as well as action - for the unconditional
benefit of others (without expectation of remuneration). Practicing this will
make you a finer person and a more "Torah-dik" and kind-hearted relator;
especially with any who are vulnerable, disadvantaged, weak, or in any
man-woman (dating or marriage) relationship with you. Difficult circumstances
can make a marriage shaky. By building up "spiritual muscles," you can
maintain uncompromisable high, steady and trustworthy standards that will
preserve your marriage for a lifetime.
The Maharal writes that spirituality is intellectual and at rest. Things
of the physical world have time, space and motion. Marriage at essence is
spiritual and should basically be calm, tranquil and stable. A relationship
with agitation, inconsistency, hurtfulness, selfishness, falsity, fighting,
inconsideration, cruelty, anger, impatience or other bad traits is rooted in
earthly sources and opposes a successful marriage. Marriage cannot be happy
if you look for it to make you happy. Marriage cannot overcome internal
tension, unhappiness or distress. Marriage can only be happy if EACH strives
to MAKE THE OTHER HAPPY AND APPRECIATES WHAT THE OTHER DOES. What you give to
and get out of a marriage eminates from your inner self. This true inner self
defines your TRUE STATE OF LIFE which defines the TRUE RELATOR IN YOU. Your
marriage can be spiritual only if the self and relator in you is.